Archive for February, 2013


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Ick

Laying here reading and some random sentence reminded me of Jedi. Oh, hey emotions, wasn’t expecting you this evening.

😥 it can stop hurting now.

What my mother doesnt know

What my mother doesnt know. Its a teen book. I read it in highschool. I liked the book, but loved the title. Moms in general i think, dont know lots of things about their kids. Moms have this ideal of their perfect newborn. Its hard for them to forget sometimes. I was raised by my dad in a two parent household. Mom worked. I dont understand my mom, i never have. We connect on such an odd level. Dad and myself connect on every level. Dad loves me UNCONDITIONALLY. My mothers love is, i feel very conditional. Every choice ive made in life, is not ideal to her. I got married to young, we took a job transfer with out asking her, i have a new car. The lists go on and on. What my mother doesnt know, is key things about me. Things that when I try to bring up, get ignored. My mom doesnt know i an non theistic. That i am pansexual. About a large portion of my tattoos. That i am involved in the fet community. Several of those, i dont think she NEEDS to know. Infact its easier just to say nothing. Others, i want to tell her, but dont want to be down graded. I wish my mom was like dad, who was excited for everything in mh life. Because it is my life.

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Yeah. See. I think I can talk about it. I think I got it.  (I have not talked about it at all. not even to my family. not about how I feel about it. not about anything about it. I walked in the door that night and said “I dont want to discuss it.”)

And then! I go to discuss it, and it looks like this ”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I cried that day. for a little bit. I cried some on the drive home. Otherwise? I have not let myself really think about it. I feel like an ass because I just moved on.

But I really carry this mantra of I have to move on. I have depression and anxiety issues, and I just cant spend time on things like that.

I really should reflect on it. but I dont have anything to say about how I feel except for hurtful things. Hurtful statements towards other members of my family. I do feel them, I have for several weeks. they are not just ‘ emotional reactions’. They are what my actual feelings are.

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There ya go. Another post. That I still didn’t talk about it.

Silence

Today is day 3 in our new home. The new king bed is here an  i am in our room on it reading some.
S is laying at the foot of the bed and Y is chattering. I can hear the sounds from other parts of my home. The bunk frame is here to set up.

Ive put away the kitchen stuff. The living room is open.

As i sit on my bed getting ready to read i am assured. It is well. It is final. It is peaceful. I love my home

Pet parents

Pet parents. Thats us. We all are animal people. I want to tell you a bit about them but will be kind of vague (for the same reasons as not reals names)

Y is our feather kiddo. He is sarcastic and a smart ass. Every opportunity he has to interject a bit of his brand of humor (which is just like ours….) is taken. If you ask him to wait a minute for something he wants he is fast to inform you how SLOOOOOOOOOOW you are. If whatever can be placed in, it will. If the phone rings and you dont get it RIGHT AWAY. He will say ‘Hello???’ For you.

S is our new dog, a retired mastiff. She is pretty much the apple of three dog loathers eye. She is patient and willing.

C is our rattie baby. Rats. Great pets. Nuff said.

We also have three sphynx. The bring joy to us every day.

Our pets are our children. May always be. Human kids are un decided.

Take a number…

A while back I took a trip to California. While I was there we spent much time at clubs, out at restaurants and out on the board walk. In general, being social. Upon my first night there, a person I admire, love, respect and value the opinion of told me something. Something, that I figure to him may have just been a passing thought and compliment. I am unsure if He had intended it to make the impact it did. He said to the effect of, Be careful that I didnt make people fall in love with me. When i replied back that it would take more than a night he countered with that a good conversation was all it took for me. In todays world, it is highly unacceptable to publicly discuss your redeeming features. To out right compliment a person. It is a shame that such social ‘standards’ have been applied. In my online poly group we discussed this. The consensus in the group however was that this form of honesty and communication was preferred. Now. I do not want you to think that i am saying when your significant other asks if these jeans make his butt look big that you say “yes. They look like lard trying frantically to escape.” No. Dont. Instead you might say that this pair of jeans may be more beneficial. This concept goes for other things. In my life there is someone who I made the error of developing very real feelings for and then got hurt. I have never told him that. I still need some work. I hope my posts make you think some. My poly group i love because i get to discuss things i know about. That makes me feel like a super genius. Like i earned my glasses.