Archive for May, 2013

As i am cleaning the house before my grandparents get here, it really just impacted me my thoughts.
If my house is pretty enough then they will think I have done a good job.
If I am skinny enough they will think I have done good.
If I look pretty enough maybe I will have done good.

The fact that these are even my thoughts or concerns pisses me the hell off. These are not things I try to build my life around. Things that I use to seek approval of others.

I think of myself as a really confident person. Someone who has friends based on the fact that I am smart, that I am funny, that I am compassinate.

But here I am, trying my best to give the appearance of a damn stepford wife.


The funny thing about finding myself.
Is that, thought I love myself I have found.

Sometimes, I still feel like I have very much lost myself.
Because really I have.
In herper terms, I’ve shed, or molted.
But it’s odd when I look back at that shed skin, that shell, and I want to try and climb back inside.
Because I can’t.



^ That is the song Hollywood’s Not America by Ferras. It is what I named this blog after.

During the same time I played that song over and over The following song, was also played.

Beautiful Disaster by Jon McLaughlin.


Why did I chose this name?

Because I grew up in a house hold that worked out like  this song.

It is probably not a huge secret by now, I come from a broken home, one that was ruined but stayed together ‘for the kids’.

My mom and dad have been together for over 30 years now. Married for over 20. They got married when they found out I was coming. I was an accident. I dont know if my sister was planned or not. My father is a life long addict. Drugs, alchol, cigarettes, gambling, etc.
My mom up until recently was as well. She did weed CONSTANTLY.

I grew up being aware, that, we where not in the plans. That ‘BC’ (before children) always seemed to have all of these happy memories. Of parties, of drinking, of friends of staying out. Then a kid arrived.

Now, dont misunderstand! I had everything I needed growing up. Food, education, shelter clothing etc.

My dad is my best friend. My mom and I leave much to be desired as a relationship.
They are still together.

I can remember looking at the church directory and thinking, oh we look so nice. For my 12th birthday, in my journal, all I wanted was my parents to divorce.

Growing up with ADHD, made me (Feel like) a problem. It was SO much work to care for me. My sisters issues aside.

I became an adult. Read as: I turned 18 and went to college. I went for a semester, was asked to not return.
Moved back home for 2 more years. Dated a bunch of losers, almost had one of those losers kill me. Met Bugg, dumped the sorry guy I was dating so I could date Bugg.

All in all, The title Hollywoods not america, to me says it all. Hollywood paints this picture of a mom and a dad, both really good looking and rich. With 2 children, a boy and a girl. A golden retriever and a fenced in back yard with a white fence.

My family, wasnt that.
My family was made of addiction. brokenness. anger. resentment. Controll issues. religious standards.

I have fought to NOT be my parents. But when I look in the DARK corners of my life. I see that anger, that resentment, that unwillingness to forgive. I just hide it well.
I hope with counceling I can face that demon. I can deal with it.


Summer. It makes me think of my highschool love. Not the silly boys I dated, but the other one I  loved all through jr high & highschool. They know who they are. I cant use what I call her on here, too many people know it 0.0

It makes me think of every dumb thing we did together. Streaking across a major highway.
Parties with older siblings.
Sleep overs.
Matching scars.
The tattoos we would get when we grew up.
How we would be in each others weddings.
When We said for ever we ment it.

Life happened and we spent about 5 years out of each others life.

Life happened again, and we found each other again.

Its summer, and all I want to do is irresponsibly run away on a road trip. just for a few days.
No place to stay planned. Who cares.
Her and I.

Take over the world.



I go and take my college placement test tomorrow. I also am applying for a job that sounds hopeful.

In I think two weeks we are going to my brother in laws hshigh school graduation. He is graduating from a high ranking private catholic school. Yay for him! I think his goal is to be in the NAVY?

Bugg wanted to be a marine, then met me and got married instead.


I am unsure of who from blood relatives will be there. I am sure some of them that may have been at our wedding.

I cant decide between my skull butterfly dress or a really bright tie dye deal.
Choices choices.

Today, I have more planting to do.
I am building an urban container garden.
I hope it grows *determined look*

It is beltane!

I am glad for everything that has brought me here.

I hope I continue to grow into a better more lovable person.