Archive for June, 2013


I know I refer to things in highschool often. Because while it was only 6 years including jr high. It was in 6 of the very impressionable years of my life. So, naturally, Many things I struggle with, relate to things in highschool.

polaroidloveIt is easy for me to see how I am lovable right now. How when I am happy, and functioning at 100% I am worth being in a relationship with.

It is very difficult for me to see how anyone decides to stay when I am not. When my anxiety is so bad that I push people away. When my depression reduces me to just wishing everyone would leave so that I can justify my lameness.

I am used to people sticking around through the good, then seeing the bad and being like “I’m out”. Its happened often in my life. WIth everyone, for every reason.

 

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But when there are times when people stand by my side, when I am very unlovable. Very difficult to be around. It what makes it better. It is what makes me able to get through it.

There is always that fear though that someone is going to just say, “I’m out. I can’t deal”

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I went back and read to like december. Its weird to read back over things. I find things that I forgot I wrote. Things I had forgotten I had  reflected over.

I have come further then I realized.  I found a poem in January that I had forgotten I wrote. It was neat to read. I didnt realize it was one I had written really. Then it said my name.

Another post I liked was the one on intoxication.
I should write about that again. Its a good topic.
When you forget to breath from being close to a person.
The things ABOUT a person that cause that.

I have written often recently. Its been nice to have things to write about.

Protected: *sigh*

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Horrified

 

I am almost sure that this will ALWAYS be my face when ever i head over here and see views. I still find it super strange that I have close to 800 lifetime views.
Weirder still when i know there are people who follow this with regularity.
I have always been a blog reader myself, however, I dont ever think of other people being blog readers.

FamILY

In the poly world we try to practice something reffered to as Compersion. It means basically joy from watching some one you love, love someone else. When I smile from watching them hold hands, kiss, be in love. It is one of my favorite things.

There is also this myth that we are superior beings and dont get jealous. But we do. Over just things. Its human.

Tonight Bear and Flame got to come with me back here until i go back to the city tuesday.

As all five of us layed on the bed in a cuddle pile of laughter, kisses, holding hands and cute. My happy is filled. As I was inbetween two FANTASTIC men, I am blessed. To have ever guessed my life would bring me this joy, I would not have.

Does it mean that sometimes feelings wont get hurt? No. But just as it did with CxD. It is right. It is easy.

It is not anxiety causing this time. It brings me joy, it brings me ease.

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insecurity

Insecurity.

This post for me, is a challenge to write.
It is something I have a really HARD time discussing, admiting that I stress about. Because when I look at the grand scheme of things, I try to remind myself, its not the end all be all of the world. It isnt the worst thing in the world to be insecure about. In my life style however, it is one I NEED to confront. The fact that the people who know me, who hold me dear to them, are GOING to read this, makes it harder. The fact is, I have started this post, and erased it dozens of times. I have tried to talk about it, but then just gave up. Because I feel as if, it should be expected that to ME, this isnt an issue. But it is.

So, after all the rambling, ready to know what I am the single most worried about in my life and relationships? I figure either the reaction will be laughter, Sympathy, or empathy and being able to relate to it.

( In a blog post, that i have not even shared, I am sitting here writing and stressing.)

This is a big being open thing for me, that makes it such a challenge.

I am constantly worried, stressed, and convinced that I will suck at sex. I don’t, and I think its dumb that i worry over it as much as I do.I hate that I am having to re write over programming that in my head says it is a BAD thing. That I should be ashamed for.

It is the hardest damn thing ever for me to ADMIT OUTLOUD that I even get turned on by various things. I wish it was not so hard.

I know its something that with time comes healing. When I realize that I am still safe in the arms of the people who love me, I will be better. That if i get ditched because I suck (or dont), then thats not on me.

There. You all know the skeletons in my closet. The thing I fret over, get anxious over, and feel most broken over.

At this moment, being THIS open, I dont have any other emotions then feeling like by BEING open, its going to get used against me.

Not what probably will happen, is that there will be a greater sense of understanding. A sense of, I get it.
That by being open, Someone(s) can now reach out there hand and say “Here, I still value you. Take my hand and I will walk with you.”

 

100!

100 posts.

In one hundred posts, many things have happened.
We celebrated our 1 year Anniversary with CxD
I celebrated 3 years of marrage to Bugg.
My family has finally become at home in this town that we moved to.

100 writings that have expressed feelings.

Heart break, Excitement, Dread and frustration.
Thoughts of what COULD be, dashed by what never happened.
Realizations of even in the poly world, people are harsh to judge.

100 thoughts on important topics.

Sex, gender and orientaion. Religion, politics and the like.

In 100 posts I have learned so much about myself.
Who I am, what I want, What I dont.

Here is to the next 100, The next 6 months. The next chapters in life.

100!

With a restless soul

Spent the weekend out camping with the family. We are like SO hard core roughing it. Cabin, AC on to 60 degrees. Yeah, hard core.

Actually though, no, I did not spend much time at ALL today in the trailer.

We have had so much sun, time on the backs of four wheelers etc. today that it has been awesome.

This has filled my need for country space for a while.

I am going to the big city Monday. I am going to get to see KS, oh how my heart misses her.  Then Tuesday maybe WalkerGirl and I will hit up the Zoo and take her little man with us. Cause I need more 3 year old kisses and love in my life.

THEN TUESDAY NIGHT I GET TO GO SEE FAN & BEAR AND KITTIESSSS
Kinda Super Excited. I am ready for time away. This is why Monogamy and I just dont get along well.

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