Archive for July, 2013


Things in life are going pretty fantastically. Flame got he  internet back. I had missed her much, it made the last week a challenge to get through. I am used to her being one of the first ones I rush to tell things. Her being there to explain something that I can’t figure out. Me doing the same for her.

Talking to final helped alot. It has been neat to watch him click into a place in life, for myself as well as Flame. His smile is something I look forward to.

In about 10 days i leave to go see Ashes. I cant wait. I am pretty sure I will tear up when I hug her for the first time. Seeing E & E will be neat. It will be a great week. Leaving will be hard.

That is the hardest thing about having friends all over the world. Leaving. Because I dont always know how long until I see them again. I know I will, but not how long. I cry when I say good bye. I usually manage to hide it until I am alone. But I always cry. Crying on an airplane looking out the window may be one of the worst. You just watch the world go by, knowing the miles between are racking up fast.

I look forward to the first time I get to wrap my arms around several people. I will never want to let go.

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Whistle While You Work!

Today has been a slow day so far (I am not complaining let that be known.) I have been doing house work since about 11 this morning. Then took time to go to lunch with Bugg, CxD & Jedi. Came back, folded more laundry, started two more loads. Now waiting on the one load to dry.

After I get that done (Which, I SHOULD be in line to have that done by tonight) I am going to move the table and everything out of the dining area, vaccume and pinesol the floor. It hasnt been done since we moved here. It needs it bad.

tumblr_mqk486GUR71rh1wv4o1_500I have spent the last few days thinking back over the difficultys that distance presents. I have not been able to hear from Flame regularly due to internet stuff since Tuesday. Code should be home this Tuesday I hear rumor (Tomorrow I suppose) so I hope the internet is better then.

I forgot that distance is not so much about, this many days until I see you, and about, short little, I saw this and I thought of you things. Telling people that, I got this call today about a job, and I couldnt wait to tell you. Even if it is just a one line thing. A text message saying ‘We turned Bugg into Flutter Shy today. it was funny’
Counting days will kill you. I learned this last time. It doesnt matter that, right now, it looks like it will be a total of  25 days until I see Flame & Bear. It matters that, first thing this morning, I woke up and I thought of you, I wanted to share the breakfast I made with you.

Distance, just a test I dont want us to fail.

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Jedi is here for the weekend. Today & tomorrow and she will head home on monday.
It is GOOD to have her here.

SmallPox had her babies this evening. It is looking like there is 12-13ish. Several appear to be on the VERY dark scale, and some appear to be very light. I am glad to have babies in the home again. The reassuring sqeaks does my heart good.

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Last night was an awful night of sleep.  I tossed and turned, I kept waking up after only a few minutes of sleep (but it had felt like hours). I had absolutely ridicules dreams. That turned into even more dumb sex dreams. (Like I mean the SUPER weird kind). Then I woke up and tried to get a blanket only to have Bugg and CxD be snarky (in there sleep, IN THEIR DEFENSE) and I had to get up and go get a blanket for myself.
It was terrible. Ugh.

My deductions over sleeping on it? If I get hurt, I get hurt. I am going to risk it.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYqgqdM9AXg

^ The song I pulled the seemingly random title from.

 

Last night was drum circle. It was pretty fantastic, I found out that there is a fair chance that I will be able to learn under a fire spinner who was there.  I was in a great place, it helped me realize where my place is in life. I think even though I am in school and doing school, and will contenue. That I need to focus on drumming and poi dedicatedly as well. I feel like it would be something I would much love, to get to travel and spin etc.

I also talked to the lead teacher at the UU. I am going to be helping teach 3rd grade this year. I CANT WAIT. I miss kids, and teaching and urg I miss it. It will be nice to also be teaching humanitarian ish curriculum and not a set religion. I feel strongly about that. That kids dont need to be taught religion at that age. They need taught moral principals.

Have to go to take care of the grandparents medications today. I just need a hazmat suit. that would help.
Mom assured me that Grandpa has been a jerk his entire life, she can remember knowing this in gradeschool. I suppose it helps to know I don’t get special treatment of abuse :p

Casey’s mom is coming to visit also today. I love when she visits. She is a good break from the normal. She is taking me to lunch with her. I look forward to it.

Tomorrow I am going to kc. Taking Bear and Flame home. I get to see N, super excited to see her. I have not seen her recently. I really miss having her around. She can always talk logic into me when I am simply irrational.  She helps me to see the out side of a situation. She verify’s if my feelings are normal and correct.
It is hard without her here. :/

I am hoping to go to the demolition derby tomorrow night. A very ‘american thing to do’ I was informed yesterday. Welllll it may be very american, and very redneck and tacky. But watch me go and love every frigging moment of it. I love the loud, the wrecks, the smell, the people and the mud. EVERY THING ABOUT IT.

All in all, life is good. I am feeling positive about my anti depressants. I am shocked at how bad I DID feel. It has made a huge change, and all for the better.

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I week or two ago, I asked Flame if she would consider collaring me.

I am now in training.

Two days ago I learned nadu, and the rules for me for when I am to kneel. This is a picture of nadu.

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esterday was my first full day of it. I think maybe 5 times? I didnt forget, so I was pleased.

Today I am getting more tattoo work done on my 1/2 sleeve, and maybe some other random stuff.

Earning a collar. Why is it important to me, why did I choose it, and ask for it.
I am a switch, I normally switch to in charge , top, domme, what ever you may use.  However, around Flame, I switch the other way, to sub, to bottom, to eager to do what she asks.
Flame is someone I have known for a few years, she has always stood by myside. We have stood together through her break ups, and mine. Through her family changes, and life changes as well as mine. She thinks the same thoughts often at the same time, and it isnt uncommon for us to both voice them at the same time.
Serving her feels right, it is something that I am not only eager to do, but happy to do. I yearn to do.  I am eager in the morning to get to go to her and kneel. To bring her the things she needs and wants.
I love my Flame to bits, I am glad to get to be with her, to serve under her, and hopefully beside her as well. (There ya go, switch BDSM dynamics!)

Today was the first day in months if not years. Read that again 6 months to YEARS. That i was able to be with my family, call them family and NOT think they are going to leave.

I was able to say, you are not leaving to them. I got it. It made sense.

I could look at Flame and get that she hasnt left for almost 3 years. She is not now.

I got it. I get it.

I was able to text Jedi and apologize to her.

Flame Bear and I spent time discussing reprogramming. How it is hard. How its hard to talk about it. But it is there.

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Today I was able to see the laughter in my family’s faces and feel safe.

My depression is no longer allowed to ruin my life or relationships. It is not all that i am, i just have it. But there is no reason to not deal and get better.

What it means to me

I was posed a question earlier today, and it made me start thinking. (yea yeah, I have done probably too much of this lately… shhh) What does poly mean to me? It means a lot, obviously, but WHY.

I grew up in a mono family, one mom, one dad, one sister. It was not something that growing  up I even knew about.

Now though, I can’t imagine anything else.  The people I love I will fight fiercely for. So that they know they are valued, they are important , that I ALWAYS have time for them.

Obviously there is the ‘main’ family you all hear bout here. but there is also people I consider to be branches of my poly family who live many other places.  People who I have gone to visit, and some I am seeing soon. (NORTH DAKOTA HERE I COME). People I may never meet. All of them cause a smile on my face when I get a phone call, a text or a message from them. I love the E hugs, and cuddles I get, as well as the in person ones.

It is important to me because I believe in community. I think family should be made up of people who care, and support and are there for the long haul. I dont think family has to be RIGHT by me at all times. Or in a set form of a relationship.

I still consider Jedi my family. I still get excited as fuck when I see her.

Family. It is about more then 1+1

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you are deeppink



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Your dominant hues are red and magenta.  You love doing your own thing and going on your own adventures, but there are close friends you know you just can’t leave behind.  You can influence others on days when you’re patient, but most times you just want to go out, have fun, and do your own thing.


Your saturation level is high – you get into life and have a strong personality.  Everyone you meet will either love you or hate you – either way, your goal is to get them to change the world with you.  You are very hard working and don’t have much patience for people without your initiative.


Your outlook on life is very bright.  You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.


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