Archive for August, 2013

Final has arrived.  After a 2 hour delay Flame and I picked him up from the airport yesterday.
It is good to have him here. I go in and out from moments where I realize he is here and it’s real, to moments that I am really confused as to how it can be real. Moments where I have a hard time realizing it are the ones where I realize he is very much from Germany. Very much from the other side of the world.





It is nice to have the entire family here all at once. I wish my schedule wasnt so wonky though :/ I feel like for a fair amount of time everyone else will get to see him more than I will. Which is annoying as all get out. But whatever, it is what it is.

Monday is labor day. I have that off as well as Tuesday. I hope to go to the lake on Tuesday, but we will see.

Everyone is home right now, it is very busy.

The drive home was uneventful. We did see my dad, sister and her kids today as well.

Final had bacon and egg’s for the first time today, along with root beer & taco bell. I feel like we should almost go through and make a list of the things that he should try.


I think in peoples lives there are moments that split life into Before and After. There may be a few, there may be one.

Before and After I got married. I had kids. I graduated college. I took this job. I moved here. Etc.

I think the KEY defining points for these moments, is that they alter the course of your life entirely. Be it, they curve it a bit, cause a 180, or throw it totally askew. Because, there is a few moment in my life that could count as a before and after moment. But I think that, though they may have been big moments, they didnt alter life in a huge way.

Take for instance, my move. It changed my life significantly. It gave me space from my family, new friends, a new home and in general a place to learn who I was that was safe. But I don’t count this as one of those moments. Getting married, obviously changed my life, but again, not in this way.

For me, my Before and After moment was when I was 17. I dont really know what time of year, since my brain has really blocked out alot of the information. I know it was what I was 17. My dad attempted suicide. Has has a total of 4 times in my life. But this one, was almost successful. He attempted to carbon monoxide poison himself. He would have completed it had my mom not come home, found him and performed CPR until medical attention arrived.
I have heard in general people react to majorly traumatic events like this usually in one of two ways. They become very fearful and turn to religion often. Or they become very self sufficent and bold. I dont know what truth there is to that statement. But I have heard a few people say it a few times.

My mothers reaction was she INSTANTLY clung to religion. She is like, a super religion person now. She has adapted a very ‘as it will be’ attitude in life and in general thinks that prayer and intentions fix everything.

My reaction was that I was very finished relying on other people. I was forced into therapy for a year. I became a VERY VERY ( I can not emphasis this enough) cold and calloused person. I refused family, I refused affection, I refused even love from my pets. Because if one simply fails to get attached to anything, you will fail to ever get hurt. I was reckless with life in ways that put it in danger. This was the beginning of my After.

8 years later, 8 years into my After. I am learning that a reaction of bitterness, hurts myself the most. That when I choose to not care, to not love, to not feel? I get hurt. I miss those butterflies, I miss the laughter. I will get hurt. It happens. But overall, I feel it is 100% worth it.


One of my biggest fears about having people get attached to me happened today. I yelled at flame and stormed out of the house. It was nothing that was any one’s fault. But I took it out on her. When I am frustrated and don’t understand, I seek out to hurt those trying to help. My mom using to physically restrain me when I was young because I would get so violent and become a risk to myself and others. That tight pressure was all that would help. But when I let people get attached to me, that happens. It is hard for me to realize, that that isn’t what loving me is like all of the time. That is why these people are still here.


Being loved is something I struggle with. Saying it out loud means i admit it.  I was not emotionally cared for for almost 19 years. Learning how to be loved is hard.




Rain rain go away…
I heard this song on my Ipod the other day. I had forgotten it for the longest time. I forgot how much I LOVE it

Aside from this, I am sick as motherfucker. I have not been sick in ever. I can’t stand it. I have shit to do. Much to my own detramint, I am too bullheaded to rest as well.



Right now, I think I might either puke, or cry, or both. Probably both. Yes. Both.
4 sleeps and final will be here. I am REALLY anxious. Like, full on omg nervous.

It is all in vain. When he gets here it will be fine. I just until them am. I dunno.



My blog has ended up having a HUGE amount of views recently. It is odd for me. And by huge I mean an average on the big days of about 20+ views. I am used to ya know, 2 or 3.

So, welcome to who ever you are and from where ever you are!
I hope you enjoy your stay and learning about my family!

Last night, and from the feeling of it already, today, have been stupid emotion days. Stupid emotion days result in all I want to do is hurt myself, I am angry and I am WAY over protective. I end up being a not fun person to be around.  I ended up just snapping a rubber band on my wrist for an hour last night. It helped. Non permanent and dealt with some of it. Times like that are when I REALLY resent my upbringing. I resent the person who convinced me so very deeply that I am worthless, and everything that goes wrong is my fault. I am glad that in the last 7 months my dr has helped me see that this ISNT the case. But when it flares up, it is ugly. Codependent for the win ( NOT)

In 5 days we will be picking up final. On the car ride home last night that whole thing kind of hit. I can’t, and doubt I ever will fully, be able to wrap my brain around this entire thing. It may be easier once he is here. But for now, I still refuse to understand or fully believe for that matter.



Love dont know what distance is

“I dont want easy, baby, I want crazy” – Hunter Hayes




We got final’s ticket bought today. HUZZAH! He found a flight that lets him get here in about 14 hours with only one transfer for just a tad more. Well worth it in my book, His also I am very sure.

He will be getting here thursday. Flame and I will leave after I get out of class I think for KC. Unsure yet, we will figure it out. I don’t know if we are taking one or two cars? I would prefer one, but hers needs to get to KC also. We will see.
We are staying the night of thursday and will get up and head home friday. I have both days off.
Work seems to schedule me with my off days two in a row? I hope it stays like that. I am very okay with it. 🙂

I work the next five days. The next two are 8 hour days. There is nothing in the world that can make those go fast. My job is INCREDIBLY mundane and boring as all get out.

Today was a lam day in that I dont feel like I really got to see any member of my family much :/
Such is the life of a college student who also has a job. *sighs*

I cant wait to hug final. What a simple thing, but I cant wait.

4,600 miles

We are buying Final’s ticket today. 4,600 miles in just about 10 days will become zero. Flame and I will get to wrap our arms around him and give him a kiss. Our boy from germany, will be here for a month.

The moment when we pick him up, I have thought over, angsted over, smiled over. It will be a moment that I am most positive few will be able to relate to. One that I will have no comprehension of what it will be like until it happens. Realistically? Probably still wont after it has happened.  I am unsure of what my emotional reaction will be. If it will be a solid emotion, or just a tidal wave all at once. I assume, it will be the latter.

I know when I got off of the plane to see Wuukiee, 0x90 ad FancyShannon.  When I came down the escalator there was not much more I could do then be releaved, I wanted to cry, and laugh, and smile all at the same time. All I wanted was loves, food and a bed. It was a huge journey and it ended in love.

The range of emotions from the three of us will be all encompassing.

I cant wait.

To tell my final boy I love him in person. To hug him and kiss him. To get to share that with Flame.



My head hurts a metric crapton.  I wish it would stop. Urg.

Today I went and hung out with my sister for 2 hours before everyone else woke up.  We hung out outside an then at mcdonalds a while

Bugg ordered Flame & I chinese food. I had chicken lo mein and she had pork lo mein.

figured out we will be able to fly final here for a month.


this journal entry blows, the end






Sleeping with someone. It is a fantastic thing. To hold no expectations besides cuddling down into there arms and sleeping.

I am at Flame & Bears place for tonight. Tomorrow I am unsure of what we are doing, Probably working or visiting her dad?
Monday she has therapy, we will load up cars and probably head south that day.

I had a minor panic moment earlier. Bugg solved it by simply informing me I should just shut up. He is so compassionate some days (cough cough) But he always says what I need to hear.

Tonight was the Romani Revel. It was much fun. I got to drum and dance. I dance Kashlama and Belly-De-Mas. I forgot how much I like Kash 🙂 Need to practice it a bit more so that I can get it down better. My drum beats are good, my dancing on coreographed dances… Lacking.

I want to get some fabric and build a drumming/ritual costume. I know what I want for my top and kind of an idea for the bottom pants? I just… I need to do it 0.0

It is looking like Flame will make it to the UK before the year is over, and final will visit soon.

The housing thing has me stressed. I am worried that we wont get a home soon enough, that it will be cramped and blah. Which, it may be for a while, but if it is, it is. Our apartment is big enough for 6. So six it can hold and may have to.

3264535Oh yeah, I am a bit strange, in case you missed it. So to me ^That^ is pretty frigging cute and sweet. Roll with it….

Today, final said yes.  Elation, is an understatement. The boy makes me so happy.  We had a long discussion between him, myself and flame last night. It was nice to see, that yet again, we share many things in common.

Today is my last day in North Dakota. I am sad to be leaving, but I also wont lie. Saturday night, I look forward to my own bed and room at the Dragon house. A room I call mine. Not sharing it with ANYONE and sleeping as late and as long as I want.  I will bury down into that frigging bed. With ALL the pillows… and ALL the blankets. Then MAYBE for Sunday I will go stay with bear & flame.
I am going to be pretty douchebag quality possessive of my sleep for a while. Probably a bed also. *growls*

Tomorrow I drive to stay with Jess.  We are going to a wine party thing I think.


K. done spazzing for now…