Archive for September, 2013

Final –

I sit down to write this letter, with a goal of somehow conveying this previous few months, and more so the previous 33ish days.

As I think about this, Try and figure it out, I realize it will all fall short.

At the moment Demona is laying ontop of your feet, Element on your lap snuggled against your chest. My feet resting on your legs as you watch food network in the living room with me.

I feel like maybe this moment here, this scenario says a huge amount in itself. That you are so much a part of our home, that no person, no cat, no dog, questions that. Your laughter and voice has become so well known to these walls that it is anticipated and welcomed.

Inside these walls there have been SO many moments, and events. From the moment you first walked in the doors to where you would be for the next 30ish days and where greeted by handshakes and silly puns about you finally being here.
To the moment tomorrow where you will pack your bags and we will walk out the door to drive to KC one last time for this trip.

Within these walls, you cuddled for the first time. You fell asleep in a bed next to me the first time. We have kissed, we have laughed, watched movies, read books. You have held me while I shed tears, fought to break down my walls. We have played with the dog late at night in the park and ran through sprinklers.

In the last month you have given me the chance to grow and change. I have learned that trusting is safe. That I dont have to be SO shy physically. I have been reminded that I am lovable the way I am. I have found many new places outside that I never would have found. I have found the confidence to be a better Miss, and I look forward to that happening as time goes on.

Distance really can not take away all of that much. It can take away the fact that I can reach out and touch you. That I can wake up buried inside of your arms. It can only take away those things.

What it can not take from me, are memories. The way that when I will be out doing things, I will see something and it will make me think of you. That I will notice a stranger do something, and it will remind me of you. Distance can not take away know what it feels like to kiss you and to have butterflies in my tummy everytime I see you log into Skype. It cannot take away the fact that I love you and I adore you. I still have laughter, jokes, Skype calls. I will still have the knowledge of you being there, and that a part of my fmaily, though it may be 4600 miles away, is still rooted in my heart.

What distance can give me? It can give me an apprication for falling asleep inside of your arms one more time tonight.
It gives me something to look forward to, however far away it may be. The moment when I get to see you again. the next time I see you in an airport. It gives me the knowledge that though you are 4600 miles away, that my love for you is stronger. That I can do anything, if I set my mind to it.

I only hope in this jumble of words and letters, that you have some small idea of what this month has meant to me. I have tried to write and tell you in someway time and time again. I have contenually failed.

This time I sat down and the words just happened.

Little did I know that 4 or so months ago, when I logged into an IRC chat room, that I would be here, now, watching you get ready for bed. That I would have someone I love so much, and never expected to.

I love you. You make me so VERY proud by just being you.


Feeling my way through the darkness


I dont belong in this city. It is a fact. This is not my home. This is a miserable as fuck place that I live. My family is here. I do not want to be. Bugg told me once that if I wanted to go live in cali and work there for a while, i could. I told CxD the risk in that, is I may never come back. This city is not home. This city is not where I belong.

Today was a mixed day. I spent it being lazy and trying to do nothing physically and emotionally. It didnt go so smooth but whatever.

I saw my therapist this morning. We went rounds again about logic. I simply dont understand the concept that emotions are correct and okay. I just dont. Logic. Logic is correct and true. Emotions are bases in hormone fluctuations inside of the brain. Simple as that.

I see him again next monday at 130. Final will go along, it is the day before he leaves to go back to Germany.

This month with him here has been full of ups and downs and twists and turns. It has been full of very much learning.

I dont really know what else to talk about.

I hate this city.


In my head

The last few days have gone very well. We had pictures done, I have gotten to spend time one on one with everyone in the family.
if my head would clear it would be better. I am out of the crisis mode, but still having a fair amount of suicidal thoughts. Again, I am not planning to enact them, because its not the way they work for me. I just idolize them. Today while driving I even came up with a perfect date and time. Super stupid.


Its still early right now, everyone else is asleep. I am making coffee and writing.


I have REALLY started struggling with panic over Final leaving. I can ignore it but when i remember it, its full o n shortness of breath, cant see correct, dizzy, panic.


I have reached a point where I guess I have decided that until october 10th, my head will be like this. Its a terrible thing to feel like I have to come to accept, but we are at a stand still.


I hurt my leg pretty bad. Today I can walk on it a fair amount better actually. I hope it holds through my 8 hour day.

The next to weeks will be strnage, with people going to KC and staying etc. I of course, since I work, will be staying, as well as bear.


Summary of my day. Awesome. Awesome. Fuck. Its no longer awesome. I want to go hide.

I hate when I crash because I just want to go hide, but I need to be around my people also.

I am REALLY having a hard time urg. I am ready for it to be ovvveerrrrrr


-.- The end

I wish i didnt struggle with jealousy so hard. It always goes away. However my initial jealousy reactions are VERY violent and strong until I know I am safe. I worry that I will become second rate, that I will become less. Once I know that to not be the case, I am okay.




I am still fighting the urge to run away. So that I dont get hurt. I mean, if I run away then I can take the hurt all at once and save myself much more later on. Its a stupid thought I get it.



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Its a melancholy sort of day

I have been feeling pretty down recently. About the last 2 days.

I feel like one can only smile so much before I run out of the energy to put it forth.



It is just my silly brain being stupid. I am really not un happy, just meh. I feel better today, I woke up and have been able to smile and laugh.

Tomorrow I forsee to be back to normal.

Until then, its one foot in front of the other. *nods* just carry on.