Archive for October, 2013


My head I would say is a mess, only I think no longer it is.

this last year in my life has been this slow decline inside of my head, while outside everything is on the rise.
I feel like my Therapist just things I have self esteem issues. maybe I do. In fact, I likely do. However, i wonder if at the core of all of this if I am really just THIS miserable of a person. Am I really destined to just loathe life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my partners, my job, my tattoo’s, my home and my pets. But overall? I find myself not worthy of anything. I deserve to be miserable, I deserve to be in pain.

I recently have just emotionally shut myself down. I feel its for everyones better good. If I am not emotional, if I am non feeling and non connecting. I am sure it hurts feelings, but it protects myself. I hit this crash and burn phase when [Removed because typing it makes me feel like a pansy] 

I just dont like really exsisting. I like living, I like my life. However, I loathe my head and myself.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=AQfbwa9L4Dk

 

That moment where one you love is in pain, and you hurt, but cant fix it, is a terrible moment.

I am at Mcdonalds before a lunch outing. Its with someone I have known for a few years online, who lives down by me, but we have never met up yet. We are going to have Olive Garden for lunch. I look forward to it, have ont had olive garden in a long while. italian is always amazing, and they have stellar salad.

However, the internet seems to be being difficult, and instead of fighting it, I decided I could just enjoy being internetless and use the time to do somethings that I need to get done that dont involve internet.

I also realize what I look like. I am in mcdonalds, in a sweater dress, with tattoos covering my arms and feet. Pink ear buds in, piercings abound, and a laptop with gay pride stickers and a coffee. Oh, and dont forget the Iphone. I bet I look so hipster it hurts. >.<

I am making the CD for Final that I have set out to make a zillion times and NEVER get done. I listen to alot of folk rock music. It is apparent. Though I love loud, I love rock, I love the black metal I share with Final. I enjoy country very much. Singer song writers and folk music holds the keys to my heart. With the meaningful lyrics, the guitar, the piano, banjo etc. Its my love, my heart song.

I stayed with Bear last night. Oh how I have missed spending time with him. His life and my life work on a similar schedule so we just dont have much time. We are at work at the same time, come home and spend time with family a bit, and then go to sleep. I missed being inside of his arms, sleeping seperate but my leg touching his. He is a great snuggler.

I went to lunch with Bugg yesterday at his work. He is putting forth alot of effort into our relationship. I am very greatful. I think he realized how much work tehre is to fix our relationship. Our six year anniversary is coming up. I need to come up with something to do. I have this fantastic trip planned for 3 days when Final is here in KC, but Bugg? he is damn near impossible. I feel like no matter what I plan he will moan and groan about it being ‘lame’ or ‘cant we just stay home’. Its typical for him. Maybe i will find an off day of mine, have him take it off and we wil do a day trip. We could to to Oklahoma city or Arkansas! Those are close-ish.

The move to the house is in about 4 weeks. We make our first payment soon. We are also – I looked at my phone and forgot what the sentance was. I hope to pick up drop cloth’s and painters tape and get those set up and take CxD and Flame and get started on painting the rooms. We are still looking for a bank to give us a loan on it. I also still need to tell my mom. She is going to be furious. i wish she could just curb her irritation at my life and see that it is sucessful and that it is mine.

I talked to dad yesterday, and I THOUGHT he got my family. and then he made a side comment that made me realize that I think he and I need to have a sit down full on discussion. maybe during the move I will do that. I want him and my sister to come help.

Overall life is changing, lots in a good way. Little in a bad. I am hopeful, I am excited for what it brings.

 

Life after meds

I started a different set of ADHD meds 2 weeks back. I am VERY pleased. I feel like I have had a huge shift in who I am. However, I feel its a trade worth it. I cna focus on work, I can focus on other things. I can do tasks start to finish.

I am starting to  put together ideas for a 3 days KC trip when Final is here. I look forward to that..

Flame is at a pagan fest with our family friends. She will have so much fun I know. I am so pleased her health is so well that she can do things like this.

 

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Of the middle of the united states works also I suppose.
We have a home! We are waiting on a home loan, but until then it is ours to rent!

Final is looking to be back in Jan. I am excited.

We will be in a new house, new rooms for everyone, new space.

More for my mom to bitch about. Oh joy. :p

I realized this morning… while laying in bed at 6:48, cause I have not been sleeping… that I should up date you on everyone!

Bugg and I’s relationship has been very broken for about a year. I recently had a very serious discussion to the tune of “you help try to fix it. Or we need to talk separation”. It finally made since to him and thus he has put forth HUGE effort and significant improvements made.

Flame has been doing so very well health wise. She is excited to do life and often very bouncy. She is looking forward to a kitchen job some day at the restraunt.

Bear is sushi chef training officially now. Hiw cool for him to be able to be trained in a very popular food sstyle and industry here. It will lead to a career and that is very exciting.

CxD has been thinking about other jobs. I hope she finds one where she loves to go to work. Any place would be luckyvto have her. Her enthusiasm for things is un matched.

Final is back in Germany, he has been for a week. Since then he has come out to his grandmother , sucessfully I might add. He is making plans to return here and stay here full time. I miss him dearly but dont stress TOO much since I know he part of our forever.

Overall it has been great to be abl  to say “this is my family Unit. I can watch them grow and change.” To be looking for a house, to be thinking about kids in the future. No doubt it will be interesting, but it will be our life. I would never go back to ‘normal’, though i still feel we are.

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From the failure at the wrong door at work, to a price error. To not getting a few other things done, to forgotting my medications. To fogetting something with final, and then feeling like i in someway failed him. Which, I didnt, I just feel like it.
I feel like I disappointed a bunch of people today, and that upsets me.

I have not been sleeping well, I Dont know why. I am in a room alone tonight with DDog. Hopefully it will help and I can sleep.

I feel as if I am not able to be the Domme I should be when I feel like this, because I am anxious and a frazzled mess.

I feel like I am a constant disappointment, though I know that is un true.

 

Today, was hard. It was frustrating, it is over. Good riddance to it.

 

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Happy 1 year to me!

WordPress says I have been blogging for a year now!
I am super proud of myself. I used to blog all the time as a teen and then I stopped and had tried starting again and just never did. I am so glad I started again, I am almost to 200 posts even, if you include the private ones in the count as well, it is 192. 🙂

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My path I bounce has certainly gotten interesting! I am working about 30 hours a week right now at my main job, getting ready to apply at a second job so that I can make more money. We are trying to get ready to buy a home, and we need money for a down payment. I dont know how anyone can afford rent and a down payment for a home.

Final went back to germany on tuesday, it was initailly really rough but I am VERY okay with it now. Its been almost a week and doesnt feel that long. Hopefully we will see him again in january in someway.

Started working out again. I hurt >.<