Archive for November, 2013

I have not updated in a long while. Sorry :/ Life has been SUPER crazy.

Bugg and I are working on fixing a VERY broken relationship. It has been going really well for about a week or so. I hope it keeps improving. Its nice to look forward to coming home and being hugged and kissed and laughing.

The move is in two days. I am in NO way ready. none. not at all.
Stuff is slowly being packed. I think ALOT will be packed tomorrow in a frenzy.

Final is hoping to be here for Yule.  He is missed VERY much and we are all ready to have him back if even just for a short time again

Flame and I are contenuing to build our relationship as partners. It can be a challenge with both of our communication difficulties. Sometimes I say something or her to me and we accidentally end up saying it wrong, taking it wrong etc and hurting the other.

Bear and I have not had alot of time to work on spending time together, which has been frustration. I want to get to spend time with him soon. His and I’s relationship I think has been, and will always be this slow paced evolution.

CxD and I have been able to go on a few dates. I love her so and I always will. She was my first girl love and a vital partner in my life. She keeps me sane, helps things make sense.

The there is DB, and how he fits into things is kinda weird. He is a switch so my part-time sub. He has been working on getting his life back together after a mess. I look forward to talking to him and his friendship is priceless to me.

We are getting a new pup, Xenn. he is 6 months old.

I am working 40 hours most weeks. I really underestimated how hard this would hit my time for my relationships. It really makes me sad that I dont get to spend as much time as I would like.






Its looking like on Christmas Final will be here, hopefully for about a month.
i am ready for him to be here again.

In the new house, his room is also my room. I kind of stole CxD’s room here and she stays in the master room. ┬áHaving my own room has been 100% good for my sanity. Its how I want it, I can shut the door. Listen to whatever music I want. Burn whatever wax scent I want. Have the light how I want, and NO ONE will argue with me. When I lived at home I didnt really even have my own room. I never had a door I could close. I could never just be in my room alone, or with my dog. No one respected that. Here, they (pretty much) do.

I think so much of my life has been askew by NOT having my own space, my own time. My own feelings even. I got married REALLY young. I moved right from mom and dad’s to with Bugg. My parents have always, even after marriage lorded over things, and I have never gotten to be me. I hold this city I live in in such high regard for that reason. I have come here, I have made my life how I wanted. I have been open about my family, bought the car I wanted, am living where I want. I have the dog I wanted, the cats. I have my life. I have built my life.
Its why telling my mom I am moving or other things is so invasive to me. Because then, she again is inside of my business. I have parts of my life I want her in, and this city is not one of them. She refuses to accept me as me, and so I am very, and harshly so, protective of it.


The work front is going REALLY well. I am hoping to move to back end soon. I love it there.

The move is starting. I need to test this darn fridge out. maybe tomorrow.

Still in general emotionally struggling with depression. Angst more? I dunno. I figure by this point I should just imagine its this little grey dragon that rides on my shoulder. I can differentate pretty well when its a depression fueled thought, versus one I would have. Though, they are both me. I am confident still with my choice to NOT medicate it. I do need a refill on the ADHD meds. I guess i will call tomorrow.
I know everyone is tired of hearing it. But again I say it. I am tired of self loathing, tired of wanting to hurt myself, and yet not doing it. Because the people I care about mean too much to me. *sighs*