Archive for August, 2014


The past 48 hours could be summarized, in some way, I am sure. That way I am not sure of how to present it to you. It has been full of heart wrenching pain, memories, walks down a path I have already walked down.
Its full of blood splatter, tears, panic, fear.
Nightwish left. Is gone from ‘us’. Is no longer apart of the family.

I have emotions ranging from ones that make me feel like a monster, to ones that leave me feeling like I felt back in Feb of this year.

Seperation of a family isnt easy. Be it one, two, three or four people. Dreamer had the most heart breaking response when we told him, in that he said (to Cinder) “Yeah… you and mommy are mean to each other. Its not nice”. How are you supposed to even respond to that?
When a 5 year old points out what you just out of the blue seemed to have seen, to have realized.

It leaves me on the outside feeling as if I have soehow caused this, as if, my brokeness has spread. As if, because I failed in my marriage that I contain this virus that has spread. As if, everything I touch breaks.
Will I eventually lose Cinder myself? Is my brokenness so much that I will damage and push him away?

All of these are irrational fears right now. Fears that I use to cover my hurt. To cover the fact that I am confused, scared and conflicted.

 

When I left Bugg my mom reminded me that in 12 months, I would look back and see things where better. Maybe not in the way that I thought they would be, but they would be better. Because I had taken the steps to start change, to start things moving, you have moved the status quo.

It is 8 months later and I can already see that things are better. things have improved.

12 months from now I hope we look back on these few days, weeks, months, and we see that, its better. That it isnt the same. That Nightwish is happy, Cinder is happy, Dreamer is happy, that I am happy.

The pursuit of happy….

SSpeeXa

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Come on skinny love…

I am on vacation with my mom in Arkansas. She planned out an entire trip for her and I. We have a bunch of plans, today we spent down town shopping.

I got a new ring for y thumb, its sterling silver and then has a rainbow inset in the middle. I love it.

We have spent alot of time talking about things and life.

I am nervous about how she will react to my coming out to her. If she will see me differently, or be able to remember that I am still the same person I was yesterday, just seen a little more clearly.

I keep intending to sit down and work on writing my coming out speech to her, and off I put it. I think nightwish Cinder and I are all going to take a road trip up there on october 11th and do it together. I hope to see Spyder as well then with them. I want her to see the family I live with and I grow with as a family and not as names or these ‘horrid brainwashing people’. But as I see them. As the laughter that makes me laugh, as the little oy, Dreamer who fills my life with joy.

She is excited for Final coming in october and has suggested al sorts of plans and things to do when he is here. She is fond of him. That I am greatful for. I suppose Final will also be i attendance of the great coming out. Maybe it should be a party, and I can mame a rainbow cake. Cake makes everyone (Except my mom who is such a health nut that she wont eat it) feel better. At least then I would have a cake to eat on the drive home as I stuffed my face with sorrows.

Maybe she will be like ‘oh. I knew”

Just kidding.

Anyway tomorrow we are going to ride a train and then go ride a trolley a bit more and then head downtown to do a bit more shopping.

I also have been working on getting my money and my credit in order post divorce. Which reminds me I need to check the mail when I get home.

I am going to be helping Chris get his money in order as well I guess. I told him if I pt in the effort then I want him to use the system I build him, no just…. not.

We also got our next part of our tattoos. Our first part was all three of us, Cinder Nightwish and I, got lion king tattoos. I simba and nala. Cinder got Scar and Nightwish got rafiki. Next we decided we would all get the pokemon tattoos we had longed for for so long. Cinder got totodile, Nightwish Got Charizard chibi style and I am getting on Sunday a punk rocker Eevee. Its neat because none of the tattoos are just a straight forward pokemon, but a representation of ourself within it.

I saw a girl today whos arms where covered in self injury scars. It was a strange pang of longing and sadness both for her. They where all long healed and she showed no new ones.

3-riprobin

Since Robin Williams passed away I have taken a break from facebook. I have avoided it and the discussions about suicide like the plauge. I am not running from it, I simply just have not been in the mood to discuss it.

 

I have Major Depressive Disorder. For years dr’s have pushed that I had bi polar disoder like my father. However I have pushed back just as hard telling them that they are wrong. I have NEVER hit a mania phase. I have never had that high. I have only ever slid back and forth on the scale from fine/happy to gravely depressed.

Recently my life long (15 years almost) bestfriend was diagnosed with depression. It seems hers is likely situational and short term versus mine which is clinical and life long.

Nightwish also struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder, which she is getting treatment for soon we hope.

My sister has depression, and as I mentioned, My father has Bi-polar.

I grew up in a house very educated about mental illness (as it was obviously needed) and very supportive. I know that mental illness is just as real as physical illness. My family is always very supportive of everything that goes with me. I can call my mom or dad in a moment of tearful depression and not have to be chastised for it, but instead have them listen and validate that at THAT moment that is how I feel.

So, With all this, wrapping back to the post secret I posted. Do I still feel like that? Yes. Often.

I often get weighed down with the facts. I have a life long severe depression disorder. My brain is functionally incorrect. It simply doesnt work right. It is unable to create the hormones it needs to function emotionally as a ‘normal’ brain should. I first became depressed in my early teen years. I was a self injurer all through high school (I since have not cut for 5 years). I have had idyllic dreams of suicide my entire career with depression. How I would do it, when I would do it etc. I have never attempted it, the one time I got close enough to it, I self admitted to the hospital and stayed for a few days. I am on very good medications, that work very well in keeping me happy and healthy.

So Why do I still feel like I fight a hopeless battle?
I have fought this fight for about 13 years now. I have about another 60 years left. Every day that I wake up, I will fight depression. Every night that I go to bed, I will go to sleep with it there. It wears on me sometimes. Most often, I dont want to kill myself because things are bad. But because I am exsausted. I am tired of trying, fighting and pushing through my depression. It wears me out. It causes physical side effects (IBS) and other mental ones.

 

I hurt for Robin Williams and his family. He fought the fight for 63 years. He struggled with addictions, parkinsons recently and finally, depression. He fought a good fight, but in the end, he lost.

 

Cinder often reassures me that he will never let me feel so hopeless that I would feel like killing myself. I smile at that. His intent, is good. His intent, is pure hearted. However, I know the truth of the fight that I fight.

 

I hope that I will be strong enough to fight for another 60 years. That I will forever be able to get back up again and go another roung with this monster called depression. That I will have people like Cinder, Nightwish, Spyder etc in my life to drag me and carry me when I need it.

To Those who lost the fight, I commend them for fighting as long as they could. You have touched lives, and people will remember you. As one of your team. As one of you, as part of the body of people fighting, I tip my hat to you in silence and I will carry on another day.

 

10-throughthewinter

 

I am addicted to this song recently.  I dont care any more if the world knows what my secrets are.

I recently came out to my Best friend about EVERYTHING. Ya know, the whole shebang.
It went… Something like this. I was angry and upset after a text from her about being angry and upset. So in this fury of tears I replied and I was basically like “IM GAY! So you can hate me now!” She replied with shes known since we where teens. Which resulted in more tears of angry and frustration.
Basically it was like this: Me laying on floor sobbing. Nightwish trying to hug me and Cinder saying “Oh my dear come here” Me laying there sobbing more on the floor of my apartment. Nightwish finally managing to get me up into her arms and then I was squished between her and Cinder.

It went like that.

 

This weekend i am in the Big city visiting her. Its been much neded and lots of fun.

I head back to Small Town USA tomorrow in time to see the family a bit before off to work I go. I brought a shirt and pants for work.

tumblr_nab38smJAl1rkbqbko1_500

 

 

 

It happened! We met Dreamers teachers! They seem nice. I feel even less sure about the public school setting after seeing it.
I know that its common place, I know that people grow up going to public school just fine. I just.
I dont see how one teacher can teach a room full of 25 five year olds. I dont like it. I dont understand it. I just feel very not at ease with the entire setting.

The teachers and counselor where very happy to meet us and glad that we took such an interest in Dreamers life and education and the time to meet his teachers.

 

I got my official diagnoses of IBS yesterday at the doctor. Hurray (NOT!). I have been on an elemination diet for 2 weeks. It seems that the things that upset my gut are fake sure and dairy. I am still trying to be lean on my gluten but its not an aggrivant as far as I can tell.

 

Bff called yesterday. We talked for a while. I am glad to have her back in my life. She keeps me safe, I keep her wild.

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my book tattoo with my birthday money and coupon that I got.
Its going to be a pile of books with the word ‘always’ spilling out along with the deathly hallows symbol, and the qoute pain demands to be felt. Its going to go on my left back calf.

 

Nightwish is really struggling with her body pain and her depression. I wish I knew better how to help her, but she pushes us away so hard.

 

I went and found out about getting a Microdermal next thursday, that is happening before I go to the Big City.

I am transferring to the Dry grocery section of the Retail store that I work for from the back. It will be a big change in hours that I work, times I see Cinder and things that I do. I am however ready for it and its a needed change.

 

Thursday I am also having my Mirena implant removed. NO I am not having a baby RIGHT NOW. But I am having it taken out in the preperation to be ready for it when I thus choose.

Something about baby you and I

We went to the truck and tractor pull yesterday. Dreamer did really well for the most part. We stayed three hours before he verged on the brink of a melt down so we headed out.

Today is my second of two days off that I get a week. I go back to work tomorrow.
I Am so tired today. Final pointed it out, oh so kindly, that I was amoung the most tired he has seen me in ever. Charming.

 

Final and I are celebrating our one year anniversary coming up in a few days.

I am going in in about 2 weeks to have another session on my right tattoo sleeve done.

 

Thursday we are going in to meet Dreamers teachers at school.

 

I am so nervous for him. I a so scared he will get picked on and bullied. I dont want that to happen to our boy. I want him to grow up happy, laughing and loved. He makes the world a brighter place by being in it. When he laughs and wants to play captain america. When he makes me toy gifts and brings them to me. When he insists that our cat Ele ‘LIKES’ wearing mr potato head as a hat.