Archive for September, 2014

Too heartbroken to function

I can’t even cope right now. If I were to effectivly communicate how I feel it would look a lot like the following:


But I cant. So I instead come acorss as someone who doesnt care and wants nothing to do with you.

When really I am hurt so bad hat everytime I try to talk right now I have to hold back tears. Right now I cant think about him without crying hysterically. I cant do much of anything without bursting into tears.

I feel abandoned, un wanted and like I just make myself more unwanted. That by trying to do the best I can for myself in my life I just push everyoe away.
I wish I wasnt so emotionally broken.


Cinder and I are at this point on this roller coaster we are currently on where, no matter how much UP there is and improvement, truth be told, we are just ready to get off.

His depression has been fighting him pretty hard as has mine. Its my natural instinct to fight and struggle to keep him afloat when all I can do is hardly swim myself.


We both got new jobs. We can leave our big retail store now.
This has caused its own large amount of drama with our co-workers. But it is what ever.

Nightwish is supposidly going full time into the military thus leaving us custody of Dreamer.

We just went and visited the Big City. While there I got to see Spyder. It was nice, I got to discuss Mary Kay stuff with her and do some make up learning.


I also introduced Cinder to my parents. Dad really liked him, Mom was…. okay with his precence.


I just got the official judge signed decree of my divorce being finalized. It was final as of september 11th. So yay

I am going to be joining Cross fit at the beginning of october I think. I have had it on my bucket list and its moving its way up there. I also want to do the 21 day fix. I am ready to get myself in shape hard core.







No spoons today. Not enough.  I made it to noon and was out. I am now in bed trying to earn back one for later.


Today… has been an emotionally rough day. I had a go around with Final. It was resolved and nothing terrible. Misunderstandings and such. Mostly the fact that we have not seen each other since March is REALLY straining our relationship right now. I miss his touch, my spot on his chest, crying into that spot etc. Its hard. Being so far is hard.

I just want it to be time for him to be here. To snuggle up to both him and Cinder at the same time. To be able to laugh and spend time with them both. I miss my Final-Kitty so much.

I took Cinder lunch today, Tuna salad! I njoy when he is doing this day shift thing being able to take and spend lunch with him 🙂

Its being discussed between Cinder and I that we may move to The Big City. Is pretty finalized right now. We just have to wait out the time and find a place to live and jobs now.

Nightwish is proving civil for the time being with bits of dickery involved.


I wish it was considered ‘socially acceptable’ to go up to people ad inform them that you think they are a total bag of dicks. or other not nice things. Cause I got a few on the to name call list. A few others that id like to push as I walked by. Just saying.


I never meant to be so cold

I am a cold person. I am a walled in emotionally calloused person. I hate it some days others I dont.

I have been sick the last three days. Cinder has been amazing and stayed by my side non stop. Yesterday i was so sick that about all he could do was wake me up every four hours for more medication or to make sure I had food or liquids.

We saw Dreamer for a bit today. He fell asleep in the back seat of the car. Then we arrived at Lowes and he goes “IM AWAKE!” So we got a new dryer belt and alas we can resume doing laundry here at the house!

Cinder and I also stopped by the library at a branch here by SmalltownUSA. Got a bunch of graphic novels 🙂