Category: Divorce


Cinder and I are at this point on this roller coaster we are currently on where, no matter how much UP there is and improvement, truth be told, we are just ready to get off.

His depression has been fighting him pretty hard as has mine. Its my natural instinct to fight and struggle to keep him afloat when all I can do is hardly swim myself.

 

We both got new jobs. We can leave our big retail store now.
This has caused its own large amount of drama with our co-workers. But it is what ever.

Nightwish is supposidly going full time into the military thus leaving us custody of Dreamer.

We just went and visited the Big City. While there I got to see Spyder. It was nice, I got to discuss Mary Kay stuff with her and do some make up learning.

 

I also introduced Cinder to my parents. Dad really liked him, Mom was…. okay with his precence.

 

I just got the official judge signed decree of my divorce being finalized. It was final as of september 11th. So yay

I am going to be joining Cross fit at the beginning of october I think. I have had it on my bucket list and its moving its way up there. I also want to do the 21 day fix. I am ready to get myself in shape hard core.

 

 

 

 

 

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The past 48 hours could be summarized, in some way, I am sure. That way I am not sure of how to present it to you. It has been full of heart wrenching pain, memories, walks down a path I have already walked down.
Its full of blood splatter, tears, panic, fear.
Nightwish left. Is gone from ‘us’. Is no longer apart of the family.

I have emotions ranging from ones that make me feel like a monster, to ones that leave me feeling like I felt back in Feb of this year.

Seperation of a family isnt easy. Be it one, two, three or four people. Dreamer had the most heart breaking response when we told him, in that he said (to Cinder) “Yeah… you and mommy are mean to each other. Its not nice”. How are you supposed to even respond to that?
When a 5 year old points out what you just out of the blue seemed to have seen, to have realized.

It leaves me on the outside feeling as if I have soehow caused this, as if, my brokeness has spread. As if, because I failed in my marriage that I contain this virus that has spread. As if, everything I touch breaks.
Will I eventually lose Cinder myself? Is my brokenness so much that I will damage and push him away?

All of these are irrational fears right now. Fears that I use to cover my hurt. To cover the fact that I am confused, scared and conflicted.

 

When I left Bugg my mom reminded me that in 12 months, I would look back and see things where better. Maybe not in the way that I thought they would be, but they would be better. Because I had taken the steps to start change, to start things moving, you have moved the status quo.

It is 8 months later and I can already see that things are better. things have improved.

12 months from now I hope we look back on these few days, weeks, months, and we see that, its better. That it isnt the same. That Nightwish is happy, Cinder is happy, Dreamer is happy, that I am happy.

The pursuit of happy….

SSpeeXa

CxD is leaving on sunday. She s moving to the big city. I can only express my feelings about this in tears, with anger, with tightly fisted hands, by yelling. I am shattered. I don’t have words for how much I am hurting over it.

 

Please dont take my sunshine away….

 

I am frustrated with everything about trying to go to germany. I feel as if every move I try to make is fully dictated for me.

 

I am not in a good mood today.

Bugg and I are no longer. The divorce preceedings are going to begin soon ( Read as: I have to get over there and FINISH MY PAPERS)

Final and I are on a difficult ground. I love him dearly, it is returned, it is however difficult right now.

CxD is moving to The Big City. Leaving me here in my little town alone.

Life has been REALLY hard. I mean really hard. I wish I could tell you more about it. But then I just sound like this neurotic mess. Which, I kinda have been.

10172767_637799282973459_4247846534499139553_nBut that is a great summary really.

Then There is Nightwish, Cinder and their son Dreamer.
They have brough me such joy in the last few days and reminded me why I do this. Why I fight through all this BS.
I will tell you more later.

Know I am alive. I am back and I am still here.