Category: Poly family


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No spoons today. Not enough.  I made it to noon and was out. I am now in bed trying to earn back one for later.

 

Today… has been an emotionally rough day. I had a go around with Final. It was resolved and nothing terrible. Misunderstandings and such. Mostly the fact that we have not seen each other since March is REALLY straining our relationship right now. I miss his touch, my spot on his chest, crying into that spot etc. Its hard. Being so far is hard.

I just want it to be time for him to be here. To snuggle up to both him and Cinder at the same time. To be able to laugh and spend time with them both. I miss my Final-Kitty so much.

I took Cinder lunch today, Tuna salad! I njoy when he is doing this day shift thing being able to take and spend lunch with him ­čÖé

Its being discussed between Cinder and I that we may move to The Big City. Is pretty finalized right now. We just have to wait out the time and find a place to live and jobs now.

Nightwish is proving civil for the time being with bits of dickery involved.

 

I wish it was considered ‘socially acceptable’ to go up to people ad inform them that you think they are a total bag of dicks. or other not nice things. Cause I got a few on the to name call list. A few others that id like to push as I walked by. Just saying.

 

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The past 48 hours could be summarized, in some way, I am sure. That way I am not sure of how to present it to you. It has been full of heart wrenching pain, memories, walks down a path I have already walked down.
Its full of blood splatter, tears, panic, fear.
Nightwish left. Is gone from ‘us’. Is no longer apart of the family.

I have emotions ranging from ones that make me feel like a monster, to ones that leave me feeling like I felt back in Feb of this year.

Seperation of a family isnt easy. Be it one, two, three or four people. Dreamer had the most heart breaking response when we told him, in that he said (to Cinder) “Yeah… you and mommy are mean to each other. Its not nice”. How are you supposed to even respond to that?
When a 5 year old points out what you just out of the blue seemed to have seen, to have realized.

It leaves me on the outside feeling as if I have soehow caused this, as if, my brokeness has spread. As if, because I failed in my marriage that I contain this virus that has spread. As if, everything I touch breaks.
Will I eventually lose Cinder myself? Is my brokenness so much that I will damage and push him away?

All of these are irrational fears right now. Fears that I use to cover my hurt. To cover the fact that I am confused, scared and conflicted.

 

When I left Bugg my mom reminded me that in 12 months, I would look back and see things where better. Maybe not in the way that I thought they would be, but they would be better. Because I had taken the steps to start change, to start things moving, you have moved the status quo.

It is 8 months later and I can already see that things are better. things have improved.

12 months from now I hope we look back on these few days, weeks, months, and we see that, its better. That it isnt the same. That Nightwish is happy, Cinder is happy, Dreamer is happy, that I am happy.

The pursuit of happy….

SSpeeXa

 

I am addicted to this song recently.  I dont care any more if the world knows what my secrets are.

I recently came out to my Best friend about EVERYTHING. Ya know, the whole shebang.
It went… Something like this. I was angry and upset after a text from her about being angry and upset. So in this fury of tears I replied and I was basically like “IM GAY! So you can hate me now!” She replied with shes known since we where teens. Which resulted in more tears of angry and frustration.
Basically it was like this: Me laying on floor sobbing. Nightwish trying to hug me and Cinder saying “Oh my dear come here” Me laying there sobbing more on the floor of my apartment. Nightwish finally managing to get me up into her arms and then I was squished between her and Cinder.

It went like that.

 

This weekend i am in the Big city visiting her. Its been much neded and lots of fun.

I head back to Small Town USA tomorrow in time to see the family a bit before off to work I go. I brought a shirt and pants for work.

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It happened! We met Dreamers teachers! They seem nice. I feel even less sure about the public school setting after seeing it.
I know that its common place, I know that people grow up going to public school just fine. I just.
I dont see how one teacher can teach a room full of 25 five year olds. I dont like it. I dont understand it. I just feel very not at ease with the entire setting.

The teachers and counselor where very happy to meet us and glad that we took such an interest in Dreamers life and education and the time to meet his teachers.

 

I got my official diagnoses of IBS yesterday at the doctor. Hurray (NOT!). I have been on an elemination diet for 2 weeks. It seems that the things that upset my gut are fake sure and dairy. I am still trying to be lean on my gluten but its not an aggrivant as far as I can tell.

 

Bff called yesterday. We talked for a while. I am glad to have her back in my life. She keeps me safe, I keep her wild.

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my book tattoo with my birthday money and coupon that I got.
Its going to be a pile of books with the word ‘always’ spilling out along with the deathly hallows symbol, and the qoute pain demands to be felt. Its going to go on my left back calf.

 

Nightwish is really struggling with her body pain and her depression. I wish I knew better how to help her, but she pushes us away so hard.

 

I went and found out about getting a Microdermal next thursday, that is happening before I go to the Big City.

I am transferring to the Dry grocery section of the Retail store that I work for from the back. It will be a big change in hours that I work, times I see Cinder and things that I do. I am however ready for it and its a needed change.

 

Thursday I am also having my Mirena implant removed. NO I am not having a baby RIGHT NOW. But I am having it taken out in the preperation to be ready for it when I thus choose.

Something about baby you and I

We went to the truck and tractor pull yesterday. Dreamer did really well for the most part. We stayed three hours before he verged on the brink of a melt down so we headed out.

Today is my second of two days off that I get a week. I go back to work tomorrow.
I Am so tired today. Final pointed it out, oh so kindly, that I was amoung the most tired he has seen me in ever. Charming.

 

Final and I are celebrating our one year anniversary coming up in a few days.

I am going in in about 2 weeks to have another session on my right tattoo sleeve done.

 

Thursday we are going in to meet Dreamers teachers at school.

 

I am so nervous for him. I a so scared he will get picked on and bullied. I dont want that to happen to our boy. I want him to grow up happy, laughing and loved. He makes the world a brighter place by being in it. When he laughs and wants to play captain america. When he makes me toy gifts and brings them to me. When he insists that our cat Ele ‘LIKES’ wearing mr potato head as a hat.

 

 

 

Dreamer starts school this fall! That means my polycule will have a kid in SCHOOL! Next week is his registration and then the week after (I think) is the orientation. We decided we will all be going since, Dreamer does in fact, have three parents. I am excited for him and yet nervous at the same time. I think my biggest concern is how will it be received that he has two moms and a dad. Cinder is all worried because his little boy is starting school and Nightwish seems to be greeting it all in stride. I asked Dreamer today what he was going to tell his class mates, Would he say he has Two moms? “No! I only have one mom! I have one dad and I have a Sindri! Who is like a mommy!” He seems to have it under control. Myself having been homeschooled I have no idea what school is like, what it looks like, how meeting teachers goes etc etc. It will be a learning experience for me as well. But I am excited for him and I look forward to it.

 

We also chit chatted about last names and childrens names for my future children. I am currently childless by choice. My plan has been about 27-29 to start thinking about the kids thing. I decided that after my recent divorce if 28 rolled around and I was still not settled and childless, that I was going to look at the single mom thing. Having a child is important to me. Being married, not so much. I firmly believe that familys take many shapes, that there is nothing wrong with one mom, or one dad. one of each, two of each or a unit who raises a child. After all, one mom who loves you very much and works very hard to be the best she can be is better than no mom.

So would I change my last name to Cinder’s? Probably someday. What about my future kids? It was decided that I would name Cinders’s child his last name and then if I have a child with Final, as I hope to, it would share his last name most likely. What do I want to name my kids? Final and I have discussed this at length a few times and the names for that are pretty sealed. Xana for a girl and Xander for a boy.

What about with Cinder or if I was to be a single mom? My heart has long been set on the girls name McKelti Irene-Rene. I am not budging on that. Nope. Not a smidge. I have fallen in love with that name and thus it shall me. A boys name I have a bit more leeway, which, is funny to me. I have always said if I got to pick and I only had one, that I want a son. So, then you would logically think my boys name would be as settled as a girls. No. I was in love with the name Jayden for a long time and I already used it for a pet. Shannon and Orion are my leading two boys names.

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Then in the difficult range, Nightwish, Cinder and I had a go of it this evening. It remains to be seen yet how the night will finish out. I am at my home tonight, Cinder and Nightwish at theirs. Though Cinder may really end up here after he and her are done hashing it out.

In random other noise, I hung out with Pyros when I was in The Big City. I forgot how nice he was. He also may become my new play thing. I have doubts that  it will ever really happen, but I will give it the old school try.

 

 

 

CxD is leaving on sunday. She s moving to the big city. I can only express my feelings about this in tears, with anger, with tightly fisted hands, by yelling. I am shattered. I don’t have words for how much I am hurting over it.

 

Please dont take my sunshine away….

 

I am frustrated with everything about trying to go to germany. I feel as if every move I try to make is fully dictated for me.

 

I am not in a good mood today.

Yesterday I went out with Nightwish and her son Dancer as well as CxD.

CxD will be leaving for the big city soon so I am trying to spend as much time with her as I can as well as I want her to get to know Nightwish, Cinder and Dancer well. I want her to know I am cared for and wanted and loved. To know that while she is far I am still safe. Its important to me that she knows that.

Today Cinder and I had a ‘us day’. We went out to BWW and then walked around down town. We stopped by my tattoo shop to see how my sleeve is coming Sarah says its coming along great. I am stoked. I get to get it started next week. Early birthday for me.

Then Nightwish, Cinder and I talked to Dancer about me. Basically at 5 he just wanted to know if he could be my boyfriend also.

Bugg and I are no longer. The divorce preceedings are going to begin soon ( Read as: I have to get over there and FINISH MY PAPERS)

Final and I are on a difficult ground. I love him dearly, it is returned, it is however difficult right now.

CxD is moving to The Big City. Leaving me here in my little town alone.

Life has been REALLY hard. I mean really hard. I wish I could tell you more about it. But then I just sound like this neurotic mess. Which, I kinda have been.

10172767_637799282973459_4247846534499139553_nBut that is a great summary really.

Then There is Nightwish, Cinder and their son Dreamer.
They have brough me such joy in the last few days and reminded me why I do this. Why I fight through all this BS.
I will tell you more later.

Know I am alive. I am back and I am still here.

 

 

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Its looking like on Christmas Final will be here, hopefully for about a month.
i am ready for him to be here again.

In the new house, his room is also my room. I kind of stole CxD’s room here and she stays in the master room. ┬áHaving my own room has been 100% good for my sanity. Its how I want it, I can shut the door. Listen to whatever music I want. Burn whatever wax scent I want. Have the light how I want, and NO ONE will argue with me. When I lived at home I didnt really even have my own room. I never had a door I could close. I could never just be in my room alone, or with my dog. No one respected that. Here, they (pretty much) do.

I think so much of my life has been askew by NOT having my own space, my own time. My own feelings even. I got married REALLY young. I moved right from mom and dad’s to with Bugg. My parents have always, even after marriage lorded over things, and I have never gotten to be me. I hold this city I live in in such high regard for that reason. I have come here, I have made my life how I wanted. I have been open about my family, bought the car I wanted, am living where I want. I have the dog I wanted, the cats. I have my life. I have built my life.
Its why telling my mom I am moving or other things is so invasive to me. Because then, she again is inside of my business. I have parts of my life I want her in, and this city is not one of them. She refuses to accept me as me, and so I am very, and harshly so, protective of it.

 

The work front is going REALLY well. I am hoping to move to back end soon. I love it there.

The move is starting. I need to test this darn fridge out. maybe tomorrow.

Still in general emotionally struggling with depression. Angst more? I dunno. I figure by this point I should just imagine its this little grey dragon that rides on my shoulder. I can differentate pretty well when its a depression fueled thought, versus one I would have. Though, they are both me. I am confident still with my choice to NOT medicate it. I do need a refill on the ADHD meds. I guess i will call tomorrow.
I know everyone is tired of hearing it. But again I say it. I am tired of self loathing, tired of wanting to hurt myself, and yet not doing it. Because the people I care about mean too much to me. *sighs*

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