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Cinder and I signed our lease! We have a 2 bedroom apartment now only 10 minutes from work and about everything else in the city.

It’s nothing fancy, a 2 bedroom 1 bath in a 1960s building. 850sq ft.

But no pet rent, not huge deposits. And it’s ours 🙂

Got one of those bank accounts, an apartment and we bought stuff together. We are some adult and family thing.

We got dishes (rainbow) and silverware (rainbow) Cinder picked the rainbow stuff. Then we got a big ceramic cook set in turquoise. We just forked out the cash for the nice cookware.
Got a coffee pot. Cooking utensils… and stuff. Yes. And stuff.

Need to go get a bed for Dreamer and get his and his little brothers room set up. We also need a bookshelf and a bed frame for our bed.

We have a couch lined up, got a 42 inch tv. Got a few plants.

Picked out a grill.

Baby boy has a bed already and… yeah.

We don’t have a dishwasher. I’m not thrilled about that. But whatever


But I can’t discuss it on public outlets.
But I know stuff regarding court, and rentals and stuff.

I also know that people are idiots.


Dr appointment tomorrow. I’m pretty sure the boy child rotated and is transverse now. Not complete breech. If he doesn’t finish rotating we have to start discussing c sections in a few weeks. Part of me says ‘nooo! I wanna push him out.’ The other part says ‘cut him out. It’s fine.’

We go tour some apartments tomorrow. We have to get a 2 bedroom. Urg.

Turned in keys at the trailer today. Good riddance to that city.

Had lunch with the ex husband while there last week. This week on Saturday we went our with flame and bear. Twas nice.

Little guy is big enough now that when he moves my entire tummy shifts. I’m ready for him to be here. I’m ready for baby cuddles and such.

I’m also pretty sure that I will miss being pregnant. Never thought I’d say that. I want one more after him, if we could afford it I would love 2 more. But I just don’t think that’s in the cards. Depending on the cards we may not even have one more. They just cost so darn much.

So do cats. I want a kitten. I’ve wanted a kitten for a year or so now. Cinder wants a kitten. We have Gar and Ele. They are awesome. But tiny kitten cuteness is calling to me.
Too bad most apartments cap at 2 pets.

Our new payscale takes effect on the 4th. Yay for slightly more money. It’s still a far cry from a living wage. But. I mean. Thanks wallhell.

Get the kid out of my body.

I’m huge. I hurt. I can’t sleep. He hurts me when he moves now. 3 pounds is huge, I don’t think I can handle 6 or 7 or 8.

I dunno what my feet look like. I can’t fit in clothes. My boobs are huge. I mean… huge. They don’t fit in much either.

I want to start working out again and look nice again. Not like a pregnant heifer. No, I don’t care that people think pregnant is cute. It’s impractical.

I’m ready for the pushing him out part. The holding him part. And really being confused as to what the hell to do with him.

I’m going to smack people if they keep asking stupid questions.
No he isn’t here yet.
10 weeks left… yes it’s too long.
I plan on breastfeeding at least a year, pumping for longer if I can. No, it won’t hurt him because he is a boy…. get over yourself.
No I’m not letting a blade near his Penis so it can ‘look nice’.
Yes he will get every shot in the book.
Maybe he will have another sibling. I’ve not got him here yet.

Great. Now those are all answered. Go away people.

Also stop touching my belly. It’s rude. You didn’t ask.

We renamed him too. So bite me if you’re mad about that.

I’m going to bed

So work today involved three tearful breakdowns. One in front of a manager when she happily asked me how I was doing. I literally lost it, in tears all in front of her. sobbing like a moron. -.-


Then another coworker in all good fun poked my belly and says ‘Look! ts my baby! you are growing it just for me to hold!’
And I turned around finger in her face and literally lost my sanity. I snapped at her and said “No! Its not YOURS. Ive been sick, I have made him, I have grown him, I have been in pain with him. You wont fucking touching him.’ and stormed off.
I went back later and apoligized.

It was the sngle weirdest thing, I knew it was irrational at the moment it happened, but at the moment of, my brain was CONVINCED that someone was in someway going to hurt my baby. Thus, I totally lost it.
It made me so angry that I got so irrational. But I mean, it was just nothing but pure rage and fear that for SOME REASON she was going to hurt my baby.


Pregnancy and being a mom has turned me into a very fierce and harsh person pretty quick. I have mixed emotions on how I feel about it. It bothers me in a way, because it is so very different of how my life has been before now. But in another way, I get that that is what its supposed to do.

Saint patricks day

Cinder helped me make a corned beef last night for the first time. It turned out super good.
For dinner he cooked a chicken alfredo pasta oven baked dish thing.

At the dragon house Grandma is down (Goes home today) But she came for the kids spring break. It is always fun havng her around, and it helps Ru with the kids since husband is in hospital again.

Waiting on some mail still to get to mom and dads so we can get moved here soon. Looks like we will probbaly pick a 1 bedroom for cost reasons, we might find a 2 bedroom still out of nice want. But, ya know.

I have my Rhogam shot tomorrow and the diabetes test. Just 12 weeks left until I get to hold and kiss our little boy. I am looking forward to it big time.

Cinder should be able to take about 3 weeks off for paternity leave we hope. It will be nice to have him home when I am trying to even learn what to do.



So worn out


Initial part of court was tuesday. Cinder got slammed to the table and denied by a self absorbed 60 year old dick wagon. I can’t even discuss it much past that, it makes me almost violently angry.

He has another court date sometime to be announced in the next 30 days.

We are starting to get a good feel for the areas we want to live in. So in april we can actually get moved in to a place.
I’ve found some bottles for Jax and the Dragon house happened to have them to pass on and that was great. Bottles for breast fed babies are like 12$ each 0.0

Our new kit Garfunkel has adapted perfectly.

I’m so worn out from trying and fighting and going forward right now. I admire Cinder in that he just was like ‘okay’ got right back up and has carried on even more determined than ever.
I’m still back here on the ground with bloody scraped knees.
I’m really struggling with it all.
I feel like I should be able to just get up and go forward. But right now I am full of being lost and not understanding.

Dr appointments start every 2 weeks soon. We still have to get fully moved out of the trailer. We have about you know…. 3 days free to do that.

I just want a week to lay in bed and not exsist for a week. But really at work is where I need to be. It at least forces me to do something and I make some money.

Picture things







So it seems that by the time I actually ever get home to blog. My brain is fried and I stare at a keyboard blankly. So I just put the WordPress app on my phone and figure that in my time before work I can just do it then.

Garfunkel kitty was fixed 2 days ago and busted his stitches. So hopefully he can come home Friday. If not it’s fine, he is very safe were he is and I’d rather him be close to the vet who is doing his follow ups.

Jaxon is growing great per the Dr appointment yesterday. He moves so much that my Dr, BJ has to push him down into the bottom of my belly to be able to get him to be still long enough to hear his heart. Because otherwise his intrest lies in kicking the doppler and kicking at any hands who touch my tummy. According to him it must be great fun.

It’s weird how, even inside, he has already made me and Cinder love him SOO much. He makes us giggle at his flips and kicks, smile when he calms down to sleep. He makes the Dr’s giggle at his direct attempts to fight off the mighty doppler machine. I really do already love him alot. I’ll be the sappy mom who probably cries when I see him. Even though I will be completely unsure of what else to do.

My test came back and it was positive for shingles. Like. Seriously. What a random occurance.

I got my work accommodation note. So I am a cashier now and I can have a stool as needed. These poor suckers will be stuck with me until he gets here now.

Cinder had his default court day set. We think everything should be finalized and granted then, if it’s not it’s just a 30 day wait time and then it is. It’s all almost over. Then it’s just basically letting the court decrees do the talking.

Going to go order a new SS card monday. Double check with the benifits office as well that I can get married and not screw up my medicade. I looked online and it seems that I should be safe. With a unit of 3 it’s like under 3875 a month. Which… yeah. Not an issue.

Our new projected move date is the beginning to mid april. We are going to look at apartments and have plenty of time to make the perfect choice for us.

I suck at titles.

Tomorrow we are going out on a double date with Ru and Mark. We are going to Kiss and Tail. Its a food event thing with a comedy improv group. They will be reenacting the mating habits of the animal world for an hour. For me and everyone else to laugh until we cant breathe at. Because this is what my friends and I do as romance for valentines day.

I dont have another Dr. appointment for 4 weeks or something.

Hopefully in the nearing weeks Cinder will be able to finalize custody papers. They supposedly arrived today. Pending a call from the lawyer.


Jaxon doesnt jack around with kicking. at 24 weeks he kicks hard enough that you can feel it from the outside. Dear heaven be with me ten weeks from now. I fear I will be on the train of a bruised rib someday. It almost instills fear in me 0.0


Filled out job apps for Cinder, got 4 turned in, for multiple positions at all.


Work the weekend, hoep to go to a museum on wed.


Thats all I know right now.


Jaxon Dean

We went and had our anatomy ultrasound and well as the gender thing. I am going to be having a boy. I am really excited, though for a moment I concidered that I may really reevaluate that I may want a total of three kids. What if two boys drive me to insanity? Ru’s advice is to wait until Jax is close to 2 1/2 or 3 then consider. Which makes sense, since realistically I carry the traits for things such as autism and adhd. If he has either of those or various other issues, I am not saying no to another kid, but I dont want to feel like right in the middle of the critical time of getting him diagnosed if he needs it and starting therapys that I will be right in the middle of another pregnancy or birth.


I cried like a total sap when we found out that it was a boy. I was able to say he was named and finally its more real. He will be here sooner then I know, He will be busy, and rambunctious and fantastic. The little boy will have my heart on a string.

I almost attacked the ultrasound tech, and may have slightly verbally. She told me that I ‘was sure prepared by having a name already picked out’. I informed her that getting any level of medical care so far has been an uphill battle. That right now I still didnt know WHERE I was going to live when the baby was here, that I didnt know if i would stay home or work. I knew nothing about anything. Only that I could promise to my baby that he was wanted and loved. That meant that picking out his or her name, meant in my mind I had somehow done SOMETHING for him. I had named him. I had picked what he would be called.


I am sure though that I will never know what a stocked fridge looks like again. Because Boys. I will wonder what washing laundry without Oxyclean is like, because boys. I will fully understand the definition of boy – A noise with dirt on it.

I will come to really dispise lame manipulative girlfriends someday. I will never have pleaded so hard for a kid to either just dont have sex, or for heavens sake use a condom.

But in the end, I will have a darling little boy.


I am excited. It has taken me a LONG time to come to this point. Many blog articles read of other moms who have been on a similar journey to mine. But I am ready. Now we just have to make it th rest of this pregnancy, who is half over now.