Tag Archive: dating

Feeling my way through the darkness


I dont belong in this city. It is a fact. This is not my home. This is a miserable as fuck place that I live. My family is here. I do not want to be. Bugg told me once that if I wanted to go live in cali and work there for a while, i could. I told CxD the risk in that, is I may never come back. This city is not home. This city is not where I belong.

Today was a mixed day. I spent it being lazy and trying to do nothing physically and emotionally. It didnt go so smooth but whatever.

I saw my therapist this morning. We went rounds again about logic. I simply dont understand the concept that emotions are correct and okay. I just dont. Logic. Logic is correct and true. Emotions are bases in hormone fluctuations inside of the brain. Simple as that.

I see him again next monday at 130. Final will go along, it is the day before he leaves to go back to Germany.

This month with him here has been full of ups and downs and twists and turns. It has been full of very much learning.

I dont really know what else to talk about.

I hate this city.


I got to skype with Flame, Final and Bear  tonight all at the same time. It brought me MUCH joy. To hear and see them all at the same time is something that I don’t think words can really express.
To see Flames face as she laughs at someone one of us does etc. It makes things pretty great



The moment where I say goodnights to everyone is the WORST though. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. There is nothing that a computer screen allows, that i can use to show how much I am going to miss them while asleep. I would sleep with Skype on all night, if nothing more then to hear them breathing while they slept.



I have been able to talk to Wuukiee almost every night this week. It has brightened my day,  to be able to hear how hers was and share mine. I love me a Wuukiee muchly.

Tomorrow is looking like it will be another down day. I didnt even have to get out of my jammies ALL DAY.
I am probably going to stay up super late again reading.
Speaking of which, I picked up my kindle and started reading a book for the first time in months. It is usually the first time to go when my depression hits.

I start training next week at work.
I go to ND to see Ashes very soon.
School starts just after that.

My life is happening finally. I was able to say, this is MY life and I am GOING to make it happen.



Things in life are going pretty fantastically. Flame got he  internet back. I had missed her much, it made the last week a challenge to get through. I am used to her being one of the first ones I rush to tell things. Her being there to explain something that I can’t figure out. Me doing the same for her.

Talking to final helped alot. It has been neat to watch him click into a place in life, for myself as well as Flame. His smile is something I look forward to.

In about 10 days i leave to go see Ashes. I cant wait. I am pretty sure I will tear up when I hug her for the first time. Seeing E & E will be neat. It will be a great week. Leaving will be hard.

That is the hardest thing about having friends all over the world. Leaving. Because I dont always know how long until I see them again. I know I will, but not how long. I cry when I say good bye. I usually manage to hide it until I am alone. But I always cry. Crying on an airplane looking out the window may be one of the worst. You just watch the world go by, knowing the miles between are racking up fast.

I look forward to the first time I get to wrap my arms around several people. I will never want to let go.