Tag Archive: depression


Since Robin Williams passed away I have taken a break from facebook. I have avoided it and the discussions about suicide like the plauge. I am not running from it, I simply just have not been in the mood to discuss it.


I have Major Depressive Disorder. For years dr’s have pushed that I had bi polar disoder like my father. However I have pushed back just as hard telling them that they are wrong. I have NEVER hit a mania phase. I have never had that high. I have only ever slid back and forth on the scale from fine/happy to gravely depressed.

Recently my life long (15 years almost) bestfriend was diagnosed with depression. It seems hers is likely situational and short term versus mine which is clinical and life long.

Nightwish also struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder, which she is getting treatment for soon we hope.

My sister has depression, and as I mentioned, My father has Bi-polar.

I grew up in a house very educated about mental illness (as it was obviously needed) and very supportive. I know that mental illness is just as real as physical illness. My family is always very supportive of everything that goes with me. I can call my mom or dad in a moment of tearful depression and not have to be chastised for it, but instead have them listen and validate that at THAT moment that is how I feel.

So, With all this, wrapping back to the post secret I posted. Do I still feel like that? Yes. Often.

I often get weighed down with the facts. I have a life long severe depression disorder. My brain is functionally incorrect. It simply doesnt work right. It is unable to create the hormones it needs to function emotionally as a ‘normal’ brain should. I first became depressed in my early teen years. I was a self injurer all through high school (I since have not cut for 5 years). I have had idyllic dreams of suicide my entire career with depression. How I would do it, when I would do it etc. I have never attempted it, the one time I got close enough to it, I self admitted to the hospital and stayed for a few days. I am on very good medications, that work very well in keeping me happy and healthy.

So Why do I still feel like I fight a hopeless battle?
I have fought this fight for about 13 years now. I have about another 60 years left. Every day that I wake up, I will fight depression. Every night that I go to bed, I will go to sleep with it there. It wears on me sometimes. Most often, I dont want to kill myself because things are bad. But because I am exsausted. I am tired of trying, fighting and pushing through my depression. It wears me out. It causes physical side effects (IBS) and other mental ones.


I hurt for Robin Williams and his family. He fought the fight for 63 years. He struggled with addictions, parkinsons recently and finally, depression. He fought a good fight, but in the end, he lost.


Cinder often reassures me that he will never let me feel so hopeless that I would feel like killing myself. I smile at that. His intent, is good. His intent, is pure hearted. However, I know the truth of the fight that I fight.


I hope that I will be strong enough to fight for another 60 years. That I will forever be able to get back up again and go another roung with this monster called depression. That I will have people like Cinder, Nightwish, Spyder etc in my life to drag me and carry me when I need it.

To Those who lost the fight, I commend them for fighting as long as they could. You have touched lives, and people will remember you. As one of your team. As one of you, as part of the body of people fighting, I tip my hat to you in silence and I will carry on another day.



It happened! We met Dreamers teachers! They seem nice. I feel even less sure about the public school setting after seeing it.
I know that its common place, I know that people grow up going to public school just fine. I just.
I dont see how one teacher can teach a room full of 25 five year olds. I dont like it. I dont understand it. I just feel very not at ease with the entire setting.

The teachers and counselor where very happy to meet us and glad that we took such an interest in Dreamers life and education and the time to meet his teachers.


I got my official diagnoses of IBS yesterday at the doctor. Hurray (NOT!). I have been on an elemination diet for 2 weeks. It seems that the things that upset my gut are fake sure and dairy. I am still trying to be lean on my gluten but its not an aggrivant as far as I can tell.


Bff called yesterday. We talked for a while. I am glad to have her back in my life. She keeps me safe, I keep her wild.


Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my book tattoo with my birthday money and coupon that I got.
Its going to be a pile of books with the word ‘always’ spilling out along with the deathly hallows symbol, and the qoute pain demands to be felt. Its going to go on my left back calf.


Nightwish is really struggling with her body pain and her depression. I wish I knew better how to help her, but she pushes us away so hard.


I went and found out about getting a Microdermal next thursday, that is happening before I go to the Big City.

I am transferring to the Dry grocery section of the Retail store that I work for from the back. It will be a big change in hours that I work, times I see Cinder and things that I do. I am however ready for it and its a needed change.


Thursday I am also having my Mirena implant removed. NO I am not having a baby RIGHT NOW. But I am having it taken out in the preperation to be ready for it when I thus choose.

CxD is leaving on sunday. She s moving to the big city. I can only express my feelings about this in tears, with anger, with tightly fisted hands, by yelling. I am shattered. I don’t have words for how much I am hurting over it.


Please dont take my sunshine away….


I am frustrated with everything about trying to go to germany. I feel as if every move I try to make is fully dictated for me.


I am not in a good mood today.

Bugg and I are no longer. The divorce preceedings are going to begin soon ( Read as: I have to get over there and FINISH MY PAPERS)

Final and I are on a difficult ground. I love him dearly, it is returned, it is however difficult right now.

CxD is moving to The Big City. Leaving me here in my little town alone.

Life has been REALLY hard. I mean really hard. I wish I could tell you more about it. But then I just sound like this neurotic mess. Which, I kinda have been.

10172767_637799282973459_4247846534499139553_nBut that is a great summary really.

Then There is Nightwish, Cinder and their son Dreamer.
They have brough me such joy in the last few days and reminded me why I do this. Why I fight through all this BS.
I will tell you more later.

Know I am alive. I am back and I am still here.



Feeling my way through the darkness


I dont belong in this city. It is a fact. This is not my home. This is a miserable as fuck place that I live. My family is here. I do not want to be. Bugg told me once that if I wanted to go live in cali and work there for a while, i could. I told CxD the risk in that, is I may never come back. This city is not home. This city is not where I belong.

Today was a mixed day. I spent it being lazy and trying to do nothing physically and emotionally. It didnt go so smooth but whatever.

I saw my therapist this morning. We went rounds again about logic. I simply dont understand the concept that emotions are correct and okay. I just dont. Logic. Logic is correct and true. Emotions are bases in hormone fluctuations inside of the brain. Simple as that.

I see him again next monday at 130. Final will go along, it is the day before he leaves to go back to Germany.

This month with him here has been full of ups and downs and twists and turns. It has been full of very much learning.

I dont really know what else to talk about.

I hate this city.


In my head

The last few days have gone very well. We had pictures done, I have gotten to spend time one on one with everyone in the family.
if my head would clear it would be better. I am out of the crisis mode, but still having a fair amount of suicidal thoughts. Again, I am not planning to enact them, because its not the way they work for me. I just idolize them. Today while driving I even came up with a perfect date and time. Super stupid.


Its still early right now, everyone else is asleep. I am making coffee and writing.


I have REALLY started struggling with panic over Final leaving. I can ignore it but when i remember it, its full o n shortness of breath, cant see correct, dizzy, panic.


I have reached a point where I guess I have decided that until october 10th, my head will be like this. Its a terrible thing to feel like I have to come to accept, but we are at a stand still.


I hurt my leg pretty bad. Today I can walk on it a fair amount better actually. I hope it holds through my 8 hour day.

The next to weeks will be strnage, with people going to KC and staying etc. I of course, since I work, will be staying, as well as bear.