Insecurity.

This post for me, is a challenge to write.
It is something I have a really HARD time discussing, admiting that I stress about. Because when I look at the grand scheme of things, I try to remind myself, its not the end all be all of the world. It isnt the worst thing in the world to be insecure about. In my life style however, it is one I NEED to confront. The fact that the people who know me, who hold me dear to them, are GOING to read this, makes it harder. The fact is, I have started this post, and erased it dozens of times. I have tried to talk about it, but then just gave up. Because I feel as if, it should be expected that to ME, this isnt an issue. But it is.

So, after all the rambling, ready to know what I am the single most worried about in my life and relationships? I figure either the reaction will be laughter, Sympathy, or empathy and being able to relate to it.

( In a blog post, that i have not even shared, I am sitting here writing and stressing.)

This is a big being open thing for me, that makes it such a challenge.

I am constantly worried, stressed, and convinced that I will suck at sex. I don’t, and I think its dumb that i worry over it as much as I do.I hate that I am having to re write over programming that in my head says it is a BAD thing. That I should be ashamed for.

It is the hardest damn thing ever for me to ADMIT OUTLOUD that I even get turned on by various things. I wish it was not so hard.

I know its something that with time comes healing. When I realize that I am still safe in the arms of the people who love me, I will be better. That if i get ditched because I suck (or dont), then thats not on me.

There. You all know the skeletons in my closet. The thing I fret over, get anxious over, and feel most broken over.

At this moment, being THIS open, I dont have any other emotions then feeling like by BEING open, its going to get used against me.

Not what probably will happen, is that there will be a greater sense of understanding. A sense of, I get it.
That by being open, Someone(s) can now reach out there hand and say “Here, I still value you. Take my hand and I will walk with you.”

 

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