Tag Archive: LDR


Feeling my way through the darkness

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I dont belong in this city. It is a fact. This is not my home. This is a miserable as fuck place that I live. My family is here. I do not want to be. Bugg told me once that if I wanted to go live in cali and work there for a while, i could. I told CxD the risk in that, is I may never come back. This city is not home. This city is not where I belong.

Today was a mixed day. I spent it being lazy and trying to do nothing physically and emotionally. It didnt go so smooth but whatever.

I saw my therapist this morning. We went rounds again about logic. I simply dont understand the concept that emotions are correct and okay. I just dont. Logic. Logic is correct and true. Emotions are bases in hormone fluctuations inside of the brain. Simple as that.

I see him again next monday at 130. Final will go along, it is the day before he leaves to go back to Germany.

This month with him here has been full of ups and downs and twists and turns. It has been full of very much learning.

I dont really know what else to talk about.

I hate this city.

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In my head

The last few days have gone very well. We had pictures done, I have gotten to spend time one on one with everyone in the family.
if my head would clear it would be better. I am out of the crisis mode, but still having a fair amount of suicidal thoughts. Again, I am not planning to enact them, because its not the way they work for me. I just idolize them. Today while driving I even came up with a perfect date and time. Super stupid.

 

Its still early right now, everyone else is asleep. I am making coffee and writing.

 

I have REALLY started struggling with panic over Final leaving. I can ignore it but when i remember it, its full o n shortness of breath, cant see correct, dizzy, panic.

 

I have reached a point where I guess I have decided that until october 10th, my head will be like this. Its a terrible thing to feel like I have to come to accept, but we are at a stand still.

 

I hurt my leg pretty bad. Today I can walk on it a fair amount better actually. I hope it holds through my 8 hour day.

The next to weeks will be strnage, with people going to KC and staying etc. I of course, since I work, will be staying, as well as bear.

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