Tag Archive: poly


 

I am addicted to this song recently.  I dont care any more if the world knows what my secrets are.

I recently came out to my Best friend about EVERYTHING. Ya know, the whole shebang.
It went… Something like this. I was angry and upset after a text from her about being angry and upset. So in this fury of tears I replied and I was basically like “IM GAY! So you can hate me now!” She replied with shes known since we where teens. Which resulted in more tears of angry and frustration.
Basically it was like this: Me laying on floor sobbing. Nightwish trying to hug me and Cinder saying “Oh my dear come here” Me laying there sobbing more on the floor of my apartment. Nightwish finally managing to get me up into her arms and then I was squished between her and Cinder.

It went like that.

 

This weekend i am in the Big city visiting her. Its been much neded and lots of fun.

I head back to Small Town USA tomorrow in time to see the family a bit before off to work I go. I brought a shirt and pants for work.

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It happened! We met Dreamers teachers! They seem nice. I feel even less sure about the public school setting after seeing it.
I know that its common place, I know that people grow up going to public school just fine. I just.
I dont see how one teacher can teach a room full of 25 five year olds. I dont like it. I dont understand it. I just feel very not at ease with the entire setting.

The teachers and counselor where very happy to meet us and glad that we took such an interest in Dreamers life and education and the time to meet his teachers.

 

I got my official diagnoses of IBS yesterday at the doctor. Hurray (NOT!). I have been on an elemination diet for 2 weeks. It seems that the things that upset my gut are fake sure and dairy. I am still trying to be lean on my gluten but its not an aggrivant as far as I can tell.

 

Bff called yesterday. We talked for a while. I am glad to have her back in my life. She keeps me safe, I keep her wild.

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my book tattoo with my birthday money and coupon that I got.
Its going to be a pile of books with the word ‘always’ spilling out along with the deathly hallows symbol, and the qoute pain demands to be felt. Its going to go on my left back calf.

 

Nightwish is really struggling with her body pain and her depression. I wish I knew better how to help her, but she pushes us away so hard.

 

I went and found out about getting a Microdermal next thursday, that is happening before I go to the Big City.

I am transferring to the Dry grocery section of the Retail store that I work for from the back. It will be a big change in hours that I work, times I see Cinder and things that I do. I am however ready for it and its a needed change.

 

Thursday I am also having my Mirena implant removed. NO I am not having a baby RIGHT NOW. But I am having it taken out in the preperation to be ready for it when I thus choose.

Something about baby you and I

We went to the truck and tractor pull yesterday. Dreamer did really well for the most part. We stayed three hours before he verged on the brink of a melt down so we headed out.

Today is my second of two days off that I get a week. I go back to work tomorrow.
I Am so tired today. Final pointed it out, oh so kindly, that I was amoung the most tired he has seen me in ever. Charming.

 

Final and I are celebrating our one year anniversary coming up in a few days.

I am going in in about 2 weeks to have another session on my right tattoo sleeve done.

 

Thursday we are going in to meet Dreamers teachers at school.

 

I am so nervous for him. I a so scared he will get picked on and bullied. I dont want that to happen to our boy. I want him to grow up happy, laughing and loved. He makes the world a brighter place by being in it. When he laughs and wants to play captain america. When he makes me toy gifts and brings them to me. When he insists that our cat Ele ‘LIKES’ wearing mr potato head as a hat.

 

 

 

Dreamer starts school this fall! That means my polycule will have a kid in SCHOOL! Next week is his registration and then the week after (I think) is the orientation. We decided we will all be going since, Dreamer does in fact, have three parents. I am excited for him and yet nervous at the same time. I think my biggest concern is how will it be received that he has two moms and a dad. Cinder is all worried because his little boy is starting school and Nightwish seems to be greeting it all in stride. I asked Dreamer today what he was going to tell his class mates, Would he say he has Two moms? “No! I only have one mom! I have one dad and I have a Sindri! Who is like a mommy!” He seems to have it under control. Myself having been homeschooled I have no idea what school is like, what it looks like, how meeting teachers goes etc etc. It will be a learning experience for me as well. But I am excited for him and I look forward to it.

 

We also chit chatted about last names and childrens names for my future children. I am currently childless by choice. My plan has been about 27-29 to start thinking about the kids thing. I decided that after my recent divorce if 28 rolled around and I was still not settled and childless, that I was going to look at the single mom thing. Having a child is important to me. Being married, not so much. I firmly believe that familys take many shapes, that there is nothing wrong with one mom, or one dad. one of each, two of each or a unit who raises a child. After all, one mom who loves you very much and works very hard to be the best she can be is better than no mom.

So would I change my last name to Cinder’s? Probably someday. What about my future kids? It was decided that I would name Cinders’s child his last name and then if I have a child with Final, as I hope to, it would share his last name most likely. What do I want to name my kids? Final and I have discussed this at length a few times and the names for that are pretty sealed. Xana for a girl and Xander for a boy.

What about with Cinder or if I was to be a single mom? My heart has long been set on the girls name McKelti Irene-Rene. I am not budging on that. Nope. Not a smidge. I have fallen in love with that name and thus it shall me. A boys name I have a bit more leeway, which, is funny to me. I have always said if I got to pick and I only had one, that I want a son. So, then you would logically think my boys name would be as settled as a girls. No. I was in love with the name Jayden for a long time and I already used it for a pet. Shannon and Orion are my leading two boys names.

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Then in the difficult range, Nightwish, Cinder and I had a go of it this evening. It remains to be seen yet how the night will finish out. I am at my home tonight, Cinder and Nightwish at theirs. Though Cinder may really end up here after he and her are done hashing it out.

In random other noise, I hung out with Pyros when I was in The Big City. I forgot how nice he was. He also may become my new play thing. I have doubts that  it will ever really happen, but I will give it the old school try.

 

 

 

CxD is leaving on sunday. She s moving to the big city. I can only express my feelings about this in tears, with anger, with tightly fisted hands, by yelling. I am shattered. I don’t have words for how much I am hurting over it.

 

Please dont take my sunshine away….

 

I am frustrated with everything about trying to go to germany. I feel as if every move I try to make is fully dictated for me.

 

I am not in a good mood today.

Yesterday I went out with Nightwish and her son Dancer as well as CxD.

CxD will be leaving for the big city soon so I am trying to spend as much time with her as I can as well as I want her to get to know Nightwish, Cinder and Dancer well. I want her to know I am cared for and wanted and loved. To know that while she is far I am still safe. Its important to me that she knows that.

Today Cinder and I had a ‘us day’. We went out to BWW and then walked around down town. We stopped by my tattoo shop to see how my sleeve is coming Sarah says its coming along great. I am stoked. I get to get it started next week. Early birthday for me.

Then Nightwish, Cinder and I talked to Dancer about me. Basically at 5 he just wanted to know if he could be my boyfriend also.

Bugg and I are no longer. The divorce preceedings are going to begin soon ( Read as: I have to get over there and FINISH MY PAPERS)

Final and I are on a difficult ground. I love him dearly, it is returned, it is however difficult right now.

CxD is moving to The Big City. Leaving me here in my little town alone.

Life has been REALLY hard. I mean really hard. I wish I could tell you more about it. But then I just sound like this neurotic mess. Which, I kinda have been.

10172767_637799282973459_4247846534499139553_nBut that is a great summary really.

Then There is Nightwish, Cinder and their son Dreamer.
They have brough me such joy in the last few days and reminded me why I do this. Why I fight through all this BS.
I will tell you more later.

Know I am alive. I am back and I am still here.

 

 

Feeling my way through the darkness

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I dont belong in this city. It is a fact. This is not my home. This is a miserable as fuck place that I live. My family is here. I do not want to be. Bugg told me once that if I wanted to go live in cali and work there for a while, i could. I told CxD the risk in that, is I may never come back. This city is not home. This city is not where I belong.

Today was a mixed day. I spent it being lazy and trying to do nothing physically and emotionally. It didnt go so smooth but whatever.

I saw my therapist this morning. We went rounds again about logic. I simply dont understand the concept that emotions are correct and okay. I just dont. Logic. Logic is correct and true. Emotions are bases in hormone fluctuations inside of the brain. Simple as that.

I see him again next monday at 130. Final will go along, it is the day before he leaves to go back to Germany.

This month with him here has been full of ups and downs and twists and turns. It has been full of very much learning.

I dont really know what else to talk about.

I hate this city.

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In my head

The last few days have gone very well. We had pictures done, I have gotten to spend time one on one with everyone in the family.
if my head would clear it would be better. I am out of the crisis mode, but still having a fair amount of suicidal thoughts. Again, I am not planning to enact them, because its not the way they work for me. I just idolize them. Today while driving I even came up with a perfect date and time. Super stupid.

 

Its still early right now, everyone else is asleep. I am making coffee and writing.

 

I have REALLY started struggling with panic over Final leaving. I can ignore it but when i remember it, its full o n shortness of breath, cant see correct, dizzy, panic.

 

I have reached a point where I guess I have decided that until october 10th, my head will be like this. Its a terrible thing to feel like I have to come to accept, but we are at a stand still.

 

I hurt my leg pretty bad. Today I can walk on it a fair amount better actually. I hope it holds through my 8 hour day.

The next to weeks will be strnage, with people going to KC and staying etc. I of course, since I work, will be staying, as well as bear.

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Radioactive

Went to a metor party tonight. Layed under the stars snuggled next to Chizu with our friends. Laughing, talking and having fun. It was great.

I have been struggling with things to write about. Life has been pretty status quo.

Final is good, I have not gotten to talk to him that much over the last few days. Ive been so busy. With school and work starting soon it will mess with the time of day I normallly talk to him. But it will figure  its self out.

Didnt hear from Flame today. She is busy I know. I hope today she felt a wee bit better.

Bear is working hard on lots of things. I am so proud of his determination.

Bugg is doing great at work, he has been playing boarder lands on the PS3 lately. Jedi left it for him to borrow.

Chizu got a bike today. She is excited. I cant wait to get my own to ride with her.

Over all I am doing well. My emotional malaise has lifted and it was good to laugh today. I am feeling the lack of physical touch lately. It is something i have a high requirement of and though Chizu and Bugg give out plenty, its not enough varied.

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