Tag Archive: polyamory


Dreamer starts school this fall! That means my polycule will have a kid in SCHOOL! Next week is his registration and then the week after (I think) is the orientation. We decided we will all be going since, Dreamer does in fact, have three parents. I am excited for him and yet nervous at the same time. I think my biggest concern is how will it be received that he has two moms and a dad. Cinder is all worried because his little boy is starting school and Nightwish seems to be greeting it all in stride. I asked Dreamer today what he was going to tell his class mates, Would he say he has Two moms? “No! I only have one mom! I have one dad and I have a Sindri! Who is like a mommy!” He seems to have it under control. Myself having been homeschooled I have no idea what school is like, what it looks like, how meeting teachers goes etc etc. It will be a learning experience for me as well. But I am excited for him and I look forward to it.

 

We also chit chatted about last names and childrens names for my future children. I am currently childless by choice. My plan has been about 27-29 to start thinking about the kids thing. I decided that after my recent divorce if 28 rolled around and I was still not settled and childless, that I was going to look at the single mom thing. Having a child is important to me. Being married, not so much. I firmly believe that familys take many shapes, that there is nothing wrong with one mom, or one dad. one of each, two of each or a unit who raises a child. After all, one mom who loves you very much and works very hard to be the best she can be is better than no mom.

So would I change my last name to Cinder’s? Probably someday. What about my future kids? It was decided that I would name Cinders’s child his last name and then if I have a child with Final, as I hope to, it would share his last name most likely. What do I want to name my kids? Final and I have discussed this at length a few times and the names for that are pretty sealed. Xana for a girl and Xander for a boy.

What about with Cinder or if I was to be a single mom? My heart has long been set on the girls name McKelti Irene-Rene. I am not budging on that. Nope. Not a smidge. I have fallen in love with that name and thus it shall me. A boys name I have a bit more leeway, which, is funny to me. I have always said if I got to pick and I only had one, that I want a son. So, then you would logically think my boys name would be as settled as a girls. No. I was in love with the name Jayden for a long time and I already used it for a pet. Shannon and Orion are my leading two boys names.

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Then in the difficult range, Nightwish, Cinder and I had a go of it this evening. It remains to be seen yet how the night will finish out. I am at my home tonight, Cinder and Nightwish at theirs. Though Cinder may really end up here after he and her are done hashing it out.

In random other noise, I hung out with Pyros when I was in The Big City. I forgot how nice he was. He also may become my new play thing. I have doubts that  it will ever really happen, but I will give it the old school try.

 

 

 

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CxD is leaving on sunday. She s moving to the big city. I can only express my feelings about this in tears, with anger, with tightly fisted hands, by yelling. I am shattered. I don’t have words for how much I am hurting over it.

 

Please dont take my sunshine away….

 

I am frustrated with everything about trying to go to germany. I feel as if every move I try to make is fully dictated for me.

 

I am not in a good mood today.

Bugg and I are no longer. The divorce preceedings are going to begin soon ( Read as: I have to get over there and FINISH MY PAPERS)

Final and I are on a difficult ground. I love him dearly, it is returned, it is however difficult right now.

CxD is moving to The Big City. Leaving me here in my little town alone.

Life has been REALLY hard. I mean really hard. I wish I could tell you more about it. But then I just sound like this neurotic mess. Which, I kinda have been.

10172767_637799282973459_4247846534499139553_nBut that is a great summary really.

Then There is Nightwish, Cinder and their son Dreamer.
They have brough me such joy in the last few days and reminded me why I do this. Why I fight through all this BS.
I will tell you more later.

Know I am alive. I am back and I am still here.

 

 

Feeling my way through the darkness

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I dont belong in this city. It is a fact. This is not my home. This is a miserable as fuck place that I live. My family is here. I do not want to be. Bugg told me once that if I wanted to go live in cali and work there for a while, i could. I told CxD the risk in that, is I may never come back. This city is not home. This city is not where I belong.

Today was a mixed day. I spent it being lazy and trying to do nothing physically and emotionally. It didnt go so smooth but whatever.

I saw my therapist this morning. We went rounds again about logic. I simply dont understand the concept that emotions are correct and okay. I just dont. Logic. Logic is correct and true. Emotions are bases in hormone fluctuations inside of the brain. Simple as that.

I see him again next monday at 130. Final will go along, it is the day before he leaves to go back to Germany.

This month with him here has been full of ups and downs and twists and turns. It has been full of very much learning.

I dont really know what else to talk about.

I hate this city.

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In my head

The last few days have gone very well. We had pictures done, I have gotten to spend time one on one with everyone in the family.
if my head would clear it would be better. I am out of the crisis mode, but still having a fair amount of suicidal thoughts. Again, I am not planning to enact them, because its not the way they work for me. I just idolize them. Today while driving I even came up with a perfect date and time. Super stupid.

 

Its still early right now, everyone else is asleep. I am making coffee and writing.

 

I have REALLY started struggling with panic over Final leaving. I can ignore it but when i remember it, its full o n shortness of breath, cant see correct, dizzy, panic.

 

I have reached a point where I guess I have decided that until october 10th, my head will be like this. Its a terrible thing to feel like I have to come to accept, but we are at a stand still.

 

I hurt my leg pretty bad. Today I can walk on it a fair amount better actually. I hope it holds through my 8 hour day.

The next to weeks will be strnage, with people going to KC and staying etc. I of course, since I work, will be staying, as well as bear.

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Radioactive

Went to a metor party tonight. Layed under the stars snuggled next to Chizu with our friends. Laughing, talking and having fun. It was great.

I have been struggling with things to write about. Life has been pretty status quo.

Final is good, I have not gotten to talk to him that much over the last few days. Ive been so busy. With school and work starting soon it will mess with the time of day I normallly talk to him. But it will figure  its self out.

Didnt hear from Flame today. She is busy I know. I hope today she felt a wee bit better.

Bear is working hard on lots of things. I am so proud of his determination.

Bugg is doing great at work, he has been playing boarder lands on the PS3 lately. Jedi left it for him to borrow.

Chizu got a bike today. She is excited. I cant wait to get my own to ride with her.

Over all I am doing well. My emotional malaise has lifted and it was good to laugh today. I am feeling the lack of physical touch lately. It is something i have a high requirement of and though Chizu and Bugg give out plenty, its not enough varied.

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I got to skype with Flame, Final and Bear  tonight all at the same time. It brought me MUCH joy. To hear and see them all at the same time is something that I don’t think words can really express.
To see Flames face as she laughs at someone one of us does etc. It makes things pretty great

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The moment where I say goodnights to everyone is the WORST though. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. There is nothing that a computer screen allows, that i can use to show how much I am going to miss them while asleep. I would sleep with Skype on all night, if nothing more then to hear them breathing while they slept.

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I have been able to talk to Wuukiee almost every night this week. It has brightened my day,  to be able to hear how hers was and share mine. I love me a Wuukiee muchly.

Tomorrow is looking like it will be another down day. I didnt even have to get out of my jammies ALL DAY.
I am probably going to stay up super late again reading.
Speaking of which, I picked up my kindle and started reading a book for the first time in months. It is usually the first time to go when my depression hits.

I start training next week at work.
I go to ND to see Ashes very soon.
School starts just after that.

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My life is happening finally. I was able to say, this is MY life and I am GOING to make it happen.

 

 

Things in life are going pretty fantastically. Flame got he  internet back. I had missed her much, it made the last week a challenge to get through. I am used to her being one of the first ones I rush to tell things. Her being there to explain something that I can’t figure out. Me doing the same for her.

Talking to final helped alot. It has been neat to watch him click into a place in life, for myself as well as Flame. His smile is something I look forward to.

In about 10 days i leave to go see Ashes. I cant wait. I am pretty sure I will tear up when I hug her for the first time. Seeing E & E will be neat. It will be a great week. Leaving will be hard.

That is the hardest thing about having friends all over the world. Leaving. Because I dont always know how long until I see them again. I know I will, but not how long. I cry when I say good bye. I usually manage to hide it until I am alone. But I always cry. Crying on an airplane looking out the window may be one of the worst. You just watch the world go by, knowing the miles between are racking up fast.

I look forward to the first time I get to wrap my arms around several people. I will never want to let go.

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Whistle While You Work!

Today has been a slow day so far (I am not complaining let that be known.) I have been doing house work since about 11 this morning. Then took time to go to lunch with Bugg, CxD & Jedi. Came back, folded more laundry, started two more loads. Now waiting on the one load to dry.

After I get that done (Which, I SHOULD be in line to have that done by tonight) I am going to move the table and everything out of the dining area, vaccume and pinesol the floor. It hasnt been done since we moved here. It needs it bad.

tumblr_mqk486GUR71rh1wv4o1_500I have spent the last few days thinking back over the difficultys that distance presents. I have not been able to hear from Flame regularly due to internet stuff since Tuesday. Code should be home this Tuesday I hear rumor (Tomorrow I suppose) so I hope the internet is better then.

I forgot that distance is not so much about, this many days until I see you, and about, short little, I saw this and I thought of you things. Telling people that, I got this call today about a job, and I couldnt wait to tell you. Even if it is just a one line thing. A text message saying ‘We turned Bugg into Flutter Shy today. it was funny’
Counting days will kill you. I learned this last time. It doesnt matter that, right now, it looks like it will be a total of  25 days until I see Flame & Bear. It matters that, first thing this morning, I woke up and I thought of you, I wanted to share the breakfast I made with you.

Distance, just a test I dont want us to fail.

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So I slept on it.

Last night was an awful night of sleep.  I tossed and turned, I kept waking up after only a few minutes of sleep (but it had felt like hours). I had absolutely ridicules dreams. That turned into even more dumb sex dreams. (Like I mean the SUPER weird kind). Then I woke up and tried to get a blanket only to have Bugg and CxD be snarky (in there sleep, IN THEIR DEFENSE) and I had to get up and go get a blanket for myself.
It was terrible. Ugh.

My deductions over sleeping on it? If I get hurt, I get hurt. I am going to risk it.

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