Too heartbroken to function

I can’t even cope right now. If I were to effectivly communicate how I feel it would look a lot like the following:

But I cant. So I instead come acorss as someone who doesnt care and wants nothing to do with you.

When really I am hurt so bad hat everytime I try to talk right now I have to hold back tears. Right now I cant think about him without crying hysterically. I cant do much of anything without bursting into tears.

I feel abandoned, un wanted and like I just make myself more unwanted. That by trying to do the best I can for myself in my life I just push everyoe away.
I wish I wasnt so emotionally broken.

Sometimes I just feel like saying ‘Lord I just dont care’

Cinder and I are at this point on this roller coaster we are currently on where, no matter how much UP there is and improvement, truth be told, we are just ready to get off.

His depression has been fighting him pretty hard as has mine. Its my natural instinct to fight and struggle to keep him afloat when all I can do is hardly swim myself.

 

We both got new jobs. We can leave our big retail store now.
This has caused its own large amount of drama with our co-workers. But it is what ever.

Nightwish is supposidly going full time into the military thus leaving us custody of Dreamer.

We just went and visited the Big City. While there I got to see Spyder. It was nice, I got to discuss Mary Kay stuff with her and do some make up learning.

 

I also introduced Cinder to my parents. Dad really liked him, Mom was…. okay with his precence.

 

I just got the official judge signed decree of my divorce being finalized. It was final as of september 11th. So yay

I am going to be joining Cross fit at the beginning of october I think. I have had it on my bucket list and its moving its way up there. I also want to do the 21 day fix. I am ready to get myself in shape hard core.

 

 

 

 

 

I dont believe in anything but myself… and so it goes….

No spoons today. Not enough.  I made it to noon and was out. I am now in bed trying to earn back one for later.

 

Today… has been an emotionally rough day. I had a go around with Final. It was resolved and nothing terrible. Misunderstandings and such. Mostly the fact that we have not seen each other since March is REALLY straining our relationship right now. I miss his touch, my spot on his chest, crying into that spot etc. Its hard. Being so far is hard.

I just want it to be time for him to be here. To snuggle up to both him and Cinder at the same time. To be able to laugh and spend time with them both. I miss my Final-Kitty so much.

I took Cinder lunch today, Tuna salad! I njoy when he is doing this day shift thing being able to take and spend lunch with him 🙂

Its being discussed between Cinder and I that we may move to The Big City. Is pretty finalized right now. We just have to wait out the time and find a place to live and jobs now.

Nightwish is proving civil for the time being with bits of dickery involved.

 

I wish it was considered ‘socially acceptable’ to go up to people ad inform them that you think they are a total bag of dicks. or other not nice things. Cause I got a few on the to name call list. A few others that id like to push as I walked by. Just saying.

 

Will you still love me? (Trigger warning: Suicide and depression)

Since Robin Williams passed away I have taken a break from facebook. I have avoided it and the discussions about suicide like the plauge. I am not running from it, I simply just have not been in the mood to discuss it.

 

I have Major Depressive Disorder. For years dr’s have pushed that I had bi polar disoder like my father. However I have pushed back just as hard telling them that they are wrong. I have NEVER hit a mania phase. I have never had that high. I have only ever slid back and forth on the scale from fine/happy to gravely depressed.

Recently my life long (15 years almost) bestfriend was diagnosed with depression. It seems hers is likely situational and short term versus mine which is clinical and life long.

Nightwish also struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder, which she is getting treatment for soon we hope.

My sister has depression, and as I mentioned, My father has Bi-polar.

I grew up in a house very educated about mental illness (as it was obviously needed) and very supportive. I know that mental illness is just as real as physical illness. My family is always very supportive of everything that goes with me. I can call my mom or dad in a moment of tearful depression and not have to be chastised for it, but instead have them listen and validate that at THAT moment that is how I feel.

So, With all this, wrapping back to the post secret I posted. Do I still feel like that? Yes. Often.

I often get weighed down with the facts. I have a life long severe depression disorder. My brain is functionally incorrect. It simply doesnt work right. It is unable to create the hormones it needs to function emotionally as a ‘normal’ brain should. I first became depressed in my early teen years. I was a self injurer all through high school (I since have not cut for 5 years). I have had idyllic dreams of suicide my entire career with depression. How I would do it, when I would do it etc. I have never attempted it, the one time I got close enough to it, I self admitted to the hospital and stayed for a few days. I am on very good medications, that work very well in keeping me happy and healthy.

So Why do I still feel like I fight a hopeless battle?
I have fought this fight for about 13 years now. I have about another 60 years left. Every day that I wake up, I will fight depression. Every night that I go to bed, I will go to sleep with it there. It wears on me sometimes. Most often, I dont want to kill myself because things are bad. But because I am exsausted. I am tired of trying, fighting and pushing through my depression. It wears me out. It causes physical side effects (IBS) and other mental ones.

 

I hurt for Robin Williams and his family. He fought the fight for 63 years. He struggled with addictions, parkinsons recently and finally, depression. He fought a good fight, but in the end, he lost.

 

Cinder often reassures me that he will never let me feel so hopeless that I would feel like killing myself. I smile at that. His intent, is good. His intent, is pure hearted. However, I know the truth of the fight that I fight.

 

I hope that I will be strong enough to fight for another 60 years. That I will forever be able to get back up again and go another roung with this monster called depression. That I will have people like Cinder, Nightwish, Spyder etc in my life to drag me and carry me when I need it.

To Those who lost the fight, I commend them for fighting as long as they could. You have touched lives, and people will remember you. As one of your team. As one of you, as part of the body of people fighting, I tip my hat to you in silence and I will carry on another day.

 

Stay with me, Cause you’re all I need.

It happened! We met Dreamers teachers! They seem nice. I feel even less sure about the public school setting after seeing it.
I know that its common place, I know that people grow up going to public school just fine. I just.
I dont see how one teacher can teach a room full of 25 five year olds. I dont like it. I dont understand it. I just feel very not at ease with the entire setting.

The teachers and counselor where very happy to meet us and glad that we took such an interest in Dreamers life and education and the time to meet his teachers.

 

I got my official diagnoses of IBS yesterday at the doctor. Hurray (NOT!). I have been on an elemination diet for 2 weeks. It seems that the things that upset my gut are fake sure and dairy. I am still trying to be lean on my gluten but its not an aggrivant as far as I can tell.

 

Bff called yesterday. We talked for a while. I am glad to have her back in my life. She keeps me safe, I keep her wild.

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my book tattoo with my birthday money and coupon that I got.
Its going to be a pile of books with the word ‘always’ spilling out along with the deathly hallows symbol, and the qoute pain demands to be felt. Its going to go on my left back calf.

 

Nightwish is really struggling with her body pain and her depression. I wish I knew better how to help her, but she pushes us away so hard.

 

I went and found out about getting a Microdermal next thursday, that is happening before I go to the Big City.

I am transferring to the Dry grocery section of the Retail store that I work for from the back. It will be a big change in hours that I work, times I see Cinder and things that I do. I am however ready for it and its a needed change.

 

Thursday I am also having my Mirena implant removed. NO I am not having a baby RIGHT NOW. But I am having it taken out in the preperation to be ready for it when I thus choose.

I am a burrito of sadness

CxD is leaving on sunday. She s moving to the big city. I can only express my feelings about this in tears, with anger, with tightly fisted hands, by yelling. I am shattered. I don’t have words for how much I am hurting over it.

 

Please dont take my sunshine away….

 

I am frustrated with everything about trying to go to germany. I feel as if every move I try to make is fully dictated for me.

 

I am not in a good mood today.

Goodbye my hopeless dream, Im trying not to think about you

Bugg and I are no longer. The divorce preceedings are going to begin soon ( Read as: I have to get over there and FINISH MY PAPERS)

Final and I are on a difficult ground. I love him dearly, it is returned, it is however difficult right now.

CxD is moving to The Big City. Leaving me here in my little town alone.

Life has been REALLY hard. I mean really hard. I wish I could tell you more about it. But then I just sound like this neurotic mess. Which, I kinda have been.

But that is a great summary really.

Then There is Nightwish, Cinder and their son Dreamer.
They have brough me such joy in the last few days and reminded me why I do this. Why I fight through all this BS.
I will tell you more later.

Know I am alive. I am back and I am still here.

 

 

It sure would be prettier with you….

 

Its looking like on Christmas Final will be here, hopefully for about a month.
i am ready for him to be here again.

In the new house, his room is also my room. I kind of stole CxD’s room here and she stays in the master room.  Having my own room has been 100% good for my sanity. Its how I want it, I can shut the door. Listen to whatever music I want. Burn whatever wax scent I want. Have the light how I want, and NO ONE will argue with me. When I lived at home I didnt really even have my own room. I never had a door I could close. I could never just be in my room alone, or with my dog. No one respected that. Here, they (pretty much) do.

I think so much of my life has been askew by NOT having my own space, my own time. My own feelings even. I got married REALLY young. I moved right from mom and dad’s to with Bugg. My parents have always, even after marriage lorded over things, and I have never gotten to be me. I hold this city I live in in such high regard for that reason. I have come here, I have made my life how I wanted. I have been open about my family, bought the car I wanted, am living where I want. I have the dog I wanted, the cats. I have my life. I have built my life.
Its why telling my mom I am moving or other things is so invasive to me. Because then, she again is inside of my business. I have parts of my life I want her in, and this city is not one of them. She refuses to accept me as me, and so I am very, and harshly so, protective of it.

 

The work front is going REALLY well. I am hoping to move to back end soon. I love it there.

The move is starting. I need to test this darn fridge out. maybe tomorrow.

Still in general emotionally struggling with depression. Angst more? I dunno. I figure by this point I should just imagine its this little grey dragon that rides on my shoulder. I can differentate pretty well when its a depression fueled thought, versus one I would have. Though, they are both me. I am confident still with my choice to NOT medicate it. I do need a refill on the ADHD meds. I guess i will call tomorrow.
I know everyone is tired of hearing it. But again I say it. I am tired of self loathing, tired of wanting to hurt myself, and yet not doing it. Because the people I care about mean too much to me. *sighs*

 

In my head

The last few days have gone very well. We had pictures done, I have gotten to spend time one on one with everyone in the family.
if my head would clear it would be better. I am out of the crisis mode, but still having a fair amount of suicidal thoughts. Again, I am not planning to enact them, because its not the way they work for me. I just idolize them. Today while driving I even came up with a perfect date and time. Super stupid.

 

Its still early right now, everyone else is asleep. I am making coffee and writing.

 

I have REALLY started struggling with panic over Final leaving. I can ignore it but when i remember it, its full o n shortness of breath, cant see correct, dizzy, panic.

 

I have reached a point where I guess I have decided that until october 10th, my head will be like this. Its a terrible thing to feel like I have to come to accept, but we are at a stand still.

 

I hurt my leg pretty bad. Today I can walk on it a fair amount better actually. I hope it holds through my 8 hour day.

The next to weeks will be strnage, with people going to KC and staying etc. I of course, since I work, will be staying, as well as bear.

I want to set the world on fire

Summary of my day. Awesome. Awesome. Fuck. Its no longer awesome. I want to go hide.

I hate when I crash because I just want to go hide, but I need to be around my people also.

I am REALLY having a hard time urg. I am ready for it to be ovvveerrrrrr

 

-.- The end